Quick update

Just so you know, no updates have meant that I am feeling great and being busy! I bounced back from chemo even faster this time, only about 3-4 ick days. I have way less hair and really like my wig for all its convenience factors. I have chemo again on Friday.

I had an appt. with the plastic surgeon/generous genius today and due to the chemo, the blue blob spot is still not closed up completely. So, she's taking me in for a 5-minute surgery tomorrow to just remove the darn thing and stitch me up for good. Frankly, I'll be glad to be done with it. I'm sick of looking at it. Anyway, tomorrow afternoon will be spent in wait for that process, then chemo on Friday, then football all weekend.

Then we'll be in the homestretch with only one more to go!

Busy, busy! I didn't send out any Christmas cards this year, so don't think I missed/skipped you!

Hair today--gone today!

Well, last night I came to grips with my hair loss. I decided I had wallowed in the mire long enough. I was dwelling on something that is temporary, albeit somewhat traumatic, but still doesn't need to drag me to the edge of sanity (and with me, several other little women). Anyway, I was sick of looking like Willie Loman and sick of hair everywhere and just plain decided to slap that door shut and move on.

This morning I took a shower hoping that would soothe some of the itchy, irritated feeling and it didn't really do that, but I did have one big rodent-sized clump slide down the back of my leg. Ick! I combed out a lot more and got ready for the wig ladies.

That place was hopping when we got there. DF and I had fun waiting, perusing the ponytails and falls and braidy things and hats. Finally, when I got shown in, Fran the owner commented that I had a lot less hair than when she saw me a week ago. They asked if I wanted it shaved off and I said I guess. I'm so sick of it on my pillow and in my clothes, but shaving one's head is not a cake walk. Still, I pictured Sigourney Weaver in Alien and put on my best brave face, since there were several folks watching. I opted not to watch in the mirror and waited until it was over to take a peek.

Yikes! Boy is my head pale! with black stubbly stuff. Anyway, now I wish I'd gotten a little longer of a wig, but DF said it was really cute and she liked it a lot. The girls visiting tonight liked it and so did #2. Handyman is almost too tired to comment.

The best part of the trip--other than getting cute hair--was learning the t-shirt trick! Take a man's t-shirt and measure up from the bottom hem 15" and cut off the bottom. Take that circle of shirt, position the hem across the front of your forehead, with the remainder hanging down over the back of your shoulders. Twist the two sides around one another behind your head 4x and then bring the twist up and over to the front of your forehead. You now have a completely covering turban twist--so cute! Any color--costs NOTHING! Handyman has about 647 different colored t-shirts in his drawer. Can't wait! Can't wait.

I got to meet Survivormom, who gave me her $20 stash of wig shampoo and conditioner--because SHE DOESN'T NEED IT ANYMORE. She promised me that this too shall pass. And she has cute hair to prove it.

DF sent me home with chicken noodle soup for supper (gone already), zucchini bread, a big vat of my favorite body shop lotion and a yummy air freshener for my car--(Guess horse manure and dog hair isn't on her favorites list.)

Dad and Handyman are building stall doors tomorrow, in a hurry before the big chill on Sunday. Don't know if I'm brave enough to photograph my baldness just yet...

I'll leave you with this image

Indiana politics

All you Hoosiers will soon realize that God is especially cursing me...He's given me the hair of Jill Long Thompson!! I was so relieved for the election to end so I didn't have to see that any longer, and look--it's ME!!





(I've got to talk with my plastic surgeon about doing something with that chin for my next birthday.)

All is not lost!

I'm improving each day--even went out with Handyman for some retail therapy last night at Costco! The hideous hair watch gets more grizzly each day...can't wait to get the wig tomorrow.

The upshot is that the Tribble hat is terrific for indoor wear! It doesn't cover my ears and lays on top like a little cat! I feel crowned.

I am able to enjoy spicy nacho Doritos as opposed to plain ole and I could tell that our salsa from Costco was spicy. Tardy thanks to Survivormom who sent the Turtle Cheesecake with DF on Saturday. We are still enjoying it!

Ack! The wig ladies (who I love!) just called to say my wig is in, but they're both out tomorrow for emergencies and if I want them to trim it for me, I'll have to wait until FRIDAY! You know what that means?? #1 wants to use the hot glue gun to glue bangs into all my hats, just in case...

Ground Hog day

...in that today I am able to lift my head off the bed and pretend coherency. The whole slumber party-chemo treatment thing was not a good choice, but I have survived it. BFF DF had driven all the way here from Greenwood to deliver a meal in a bottomless crock pot and I could barely sit up at the table with her on Saturday afternoon.

We were able to get everyone into bed at a reasonable time on Saturday night and I arranged a ride to church for #1 and #2, since Handyman got a last-minute gig for Sunday. I managed to put together a decent lunch for everyone after church (fuss-free ravioli and cheese bake) and we even had enough bread to make garlic bread. But after lunch, the mighty Quinn came tumblin' down.

I got back into bed to watch the Colts game and made it to just before half-time with only a little slobber on my chest. I collapsed before the half-time show and woke up to 11 minutes left in the fourth quarter. It wasn't an amazing nap in length, but amazing in that no one even touched the piano or called my name for that entire time. That is truly Holy Spirit-provoked in this house.

When I did wake up enough to sit up, I didn't feel like eating anything but managed to get some almonds and water while I waited for Handyman to get home. I didn't leave the bedroom for any meal or to put anyone to sleep or do animal chores. They did it all and I didn't even see the kick-off to the Cowboys/Giants game, which I had wanted to watch. Didn't know who won until this morning, after 8 am.

I feel much better, just tired now. My taste is really ruined for the moment. Nothing tastes strong at all...not just salty or sour, just no taste. Everything tastes warm and bland and I'm afraid to salt it to the point of liking it, because it seems like my arteries will harden immediately at that salinity concentration. Either that or I'll shrivel up.

There is still hair left. KS dropped off some yummy (so I'm told) beef stew tonight and she was surprised at how much hair is still hanging on. But it comes off in loads when I change clothes, which is pretty irritating. #2 expressed again how she is dreading me losing all my hair,so I am glad I got the wig. #1 has been fascinated with hair loss to the point that I just had to tell her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. It's tougher mentally than surgery, for me. Then I feel shallow for being so "attached" to my hair.

I am just finishing up Hinds' Feet on High Places, which has been very helpful and inspiring. It is a book I have desired to read for many years, actually and just picked up at a little sale at homeschool co-op a couple of months ago. I recognized myself at Chapter 6 "Detour through the Desert":

"Then one day the path turned a corner, and to her consternation and amazement she saw a great plain spread out beneath them. As far as the eye could see there seemed to be nothing but desert, and endless expanse of sand dunes, with not a tree in sight. The only objects breaking the monotony of the desert were strange, towering pyramids, rising above the sand dunes, hoary with age and grimly desolate. To the horror of "Much-Afraid(Netherfieldmom)", her two guides (Sorrow and Suffering) prepared to take the steep path downward.

She stopped dead and said the them, 'We mustn't go down there. The Shepherd had called me to the High Places. We must find some path which goes up, but certainly not down there.' But they made signs to her that she was to follow them down the steep pathway to the desert below.

Much-Afraid/Netherfieldmom looked to left and right, but though it seemed incredible, there was no way possible by which they could continue to climb upward. The hill they were on ended abruptly at this precipice, and the rocky cliffs towered above them in every direction straight as walls with no possible foothold.

'I can't go down there,' panted Much-Afraid (Netherfieldmom), sick with shock and fear. 'He can never mean that--never! He called me up to the High Places, and this is an absolute contradiction of all that He promised.' She then lifted up her voice and called desperately, 'Shepherd, come to me. Oh, I need you. Come and help me.'

In a moment, He was there, standing beside her. 'Shepherd,' she said despairingly. 'I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way. Make a way for us, Shepherd, as you promised.'

He looked at her and answered very gently, 'That is the path, Netherfieldmom, and you are to go down there.'

'Oh, no,' she cried. 'You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised.'

'No,' said the Shepherd. 'it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible.'

Netherfieldmom/Much-Afraid felt as though he had stabbed her to the heart. 'You mean,' she said incredulously, 'you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert away from the mountains indefinitely/ Why?(and there was a sob of anguish in her voice) It may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?'

He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid/NM sand on her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when He would bring her back....

(and later in the chapter) 'Much-Afraid/NM,' He said, 'all of my servants on their way to the High Places have had to make this detour through the desert. It is called The Furnace of Egypt, and an horror of great darkness. Here they have learned many things which otherwise they would have known nothing about.' (like maybe humility and weakness)

(and later...)She said to herself, 'He has brought me here when I did not want to come for His own purpose. I, too, will look up into His face and say, "Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy."

Yesterday, I was dragging enough emotionally to really hate the idea of going through this 2 more times. That seemed monumental even though my struggles have been very minimal. I can see over the edge of the hole today, I guess. I should feel pretty good by Christmas and New Year's and have cute hair too. Then back to the mines for this canary--ha!

Perfect description

I did take shower today but didn't shampoo my hairs. I dampened them a little and watched a lot of them flow down the drain, but I couldn't take the big plunge before the slumber party tonight.

As I was delivering #3 to a playdate, in my black hat the mom just knitted for me, I recognized myself in the rearview mirror...I have become------ Mr. Collins!!



I couldn't find any pictures with the greasy bangs plastered to his forehead, but that would be exactly me...

Chemo went well...

Hey all--thanks for all your thoughts and prayers--Chemo #2 went smoothly. Needa brought me my favorite lunch (Qdoba), since Handyman was off-site. Kids all went with Mimi and Papa to the Children's Museum and a good time was had by all.

My onco-type test came back with a predicted recurrence rate of 12%. That is on the low end of the medium rate. My chemo will reduce that amount by 40%, so it would be about 8%. Then taking Tamoxifen after chemo will reduce that remaining rate by about 18%, which would take me to about 6.6ish%. That would seem to be about as good a rate as anybody walking down the street, or maybe less. I was glad to hear it and am thankful for how far chemo has come in the last decade.

I left chemo, came home, turned out horses, let out dogs, back in car to the bank, post office, grocery and feed store. So much for taking it easy. Then Mimi and Papa and kids rolled back in for #2's first birthday dinner. I had forgotten to mash potatoes (thank God for pressure cooker), or bake the cake! So #2 baked her own cake and we had a nice dinner.

Mom had to help clean up the kitchen from Hades, again. But we got to do it together and catch upon extended family information.

Stream-of-conciousness conversation at our dinner table: Spiderwoman is NOT related to Spiderman in any way, and wears VERY tight garments; SpiderGIRL is the offspring of Spiderman and Mary Jane; #1 did Mendel's genetic trait grid plotting in biology; Henry VIII beheaded his wives for failing to produce a male heir, but it is the male parent who determines the sex of the child; My cousin met a new significant other on the internet who is a successful published author; Julianne Hough has 9 siblings, they're called the "Blosmonds" (blonde/Osmond) because of their Mormon faith and large family; Somebody tooted in the car on the way to Children's Museum and we had to put all the windows down;

Your basic day at Netherfield--glad I am here for it.

Hair watch: If I showered, it would be gone. But I don't want to bare it all for the slumber party--icky hair--thank goodness for my hat stash.

It was so fun!

TO and SP went out to eat with me on Monday night and I stuffed myself. We had a great time and laughed, really loud, on the way out as we discussed hair falling out and husbands! Very, very fun and worthwhile. Probably killed off dozens of cancer cells just laughing that hard--not that I have any left...

I had a dream last night that my hair came off in a big handful from the back of my head and I started crying, a lot. I was surprised that I was crying, because we have been preparing ourselves for this. Talking about it; laughing about it; counting down the days, etc. So I was surprised that I was crying.

Then I woke up. Then I drove the 4 million miles to this wig store that is supposed to have great customer service and be so wonderful. Lucky (not really luck--PTL) for me, it is right by DF's house and I don't ever get to see her enough, so I could combine the two. I left the piano tuner with Handyman and the chilluns and headed out for the trek.

The wig place was in this little house down south and it was sooooooooo nice! I can't even tell you. Both ladies were absolutely terrific and sweet and friendly and kind--like aunts that you'd want to visit, often. The place was cute and clean and wonderfully cozy.

Patty, the nice lady that helped me, said she thought I should try a little Katie Holmes cut, which was hysterical (God, again) because that is just what I had been thinking I wanted! How funny is that?? We tried on a couple, with a little cap, since the hair is just hanging on by its most miniscule grip. (It looks icky, greasy and flat, but I didn't want to wash it all out before the ladies could see what color it is/was.) The style I liked, they did not have in the color we decided would be best. It will be very close to the color I have naturally now (which I think is too dark), but it has some highlights on top to warm it up. I didn't want to pick a radically different color, because that would be sure to draw comments and rubber-necking (because I'm so darn attractive!).

Those ladies were awesome! I'll post the pics later. It'll arrive to them next Wednesday and we need to trim the bangs on it a little, so I'll probably go down there on Thursday to get it. It was so cute, I'm actually considering buying the lighter shade of the same hair for later in the spring, so I don't look like a cancer victim at Easter!

Let me know what you think--Remember, mine will be darker with subtle highlights on top. #1 thinks I look like TO, she loved it! The back is very cute and the sides can be tucked behind my ear, or swing forward a little on my cheeks. This picture looks a little more boring than I thought it looked in real life...we'll see next week!


How about all those cuties behind me?? (Just like God to make me look better during chemo than I did before!)

Gotta feed horses and then head off for Awana. Chemo in the a.m., then birthday slumber party on Friday night. Then Handyman and I are going to try to go see Quantum of Solace on Saturday! Thanks for all the positive vibes and mostly, your prayers, which have availed much.

Hittin' the wig merchant tomorrow

Okay, I have barely combed my hair since Saturday night, and it shows. Every morning when I wake up, it is standing up straight on top. I gently press it down toward my head, pull my bangs over my forehead and go with it. Now it's greasy and today I didn't let it get under the warm water of the shower. I figured it would be gone in a jiffy and I wanted to retain some until I can get to the wig lady.

Walking through the StuffMart parking lot, we were joking that there was a brown trail flying out behind my head, but I think I didn't lose too much. By the afternoon I reverted to a baseball hat just to avoid seeing the greaz.

BTW, my dad has shaved his head. What a guy! Hopefully by tomorrow night, I'll have a new look, or at least something to ward off wind chill. Gotta hit the hay.

Going, going...

Here are some new pictures of the latest doo. AC is a terrific hairdresser. #3 took these pictures a couple of nights ago. I think they are the first pictures she's ever taken! She did pretty well.

The day after the painful hair day, I took a shower and the warm water felt good on my head and the hair didn't seem to hurt at all the rest of the day. Today I woke up with a sore spot on the upper back of my head, so I just left it alone all day.

Handyman and I were going to a Christmas party this evening so I stuck my head under the faucet to freshen up the doo after wearing winter hats for chores all day. When I pulled my hands away from my head they were covered with hair. I freaked a little and stopped messing with it immediately. I blowed it dry on low and barely touched it.

Here's a picture of us before we left for the party.


I imagine it'll be falling out in droves tomorrow and the next day. I'm going to try to get to the wig store Monday afternoon. I know #2 is worried that I'll freak out all of her friends for her birthday party on Friday night. Hopefully wigs come in cash-and-carry. I see myself in something like Julia Roberts wore at the beginning of Pretty Woman...

Then again, if I can come out looking anything like Julia in any of her movies, I'll be doing well I think. What I'm really looking for are some coneheads for Handyman and me to wear for a Christmas picture. If you know of any, send them ASAP.

Here are some more pictures of the "tribble" hat--popular with everyone. You can't wear it without smiling!



Your friend,


Beldar (yeah, that's the guy--but I can't pronounce the mom's name)

My hair hurts

Another lovely hat came in from TX yesterday. At this rate, I'll have one for each day I'm hairless!! Also, one of my table leaders from Awana (I'm the Kindergarten room leader), sent me a frozen casserole for dinner! And she's the one I just met a few weeks ago. Very, very thoughtful.

My new hat is a variegated green, to match my Patagucci green fleece jacket. It is made from baby alpaca wool and is very, very soft. LD told me her cat would not leave this yarn alone while she was knitting. It fits perfectly, again. I'll try to get a picture up of it soon. Handyman wanted to know how many baby alpacas had to give their lives for me to have that hat?!?

I should have taken a picture of myself last night. AC, my hairdresser for life, did a terrific job whacking my hair down to boy-length. It actually looked terrific, although it is #1's worst nightmare--she says it is exactly like her biology teacher's hair. So now, she can't escape any thought of biology! (Although she really does like the teacher.)

Anyway, the haircut is terrific, although it is very short, especially in back. When I woke up this morning, it was all standing straight up on the top of my head. I am not kidding. I looked like that red-haired circus guy from Barnum & Bailey. It was amazing. When I got back into bed after doing all the morning animal chores, it hurt to lay my head on the pillow. I actually said, "ow" out loud. If I scooted on the pillow it hurt.

For those of you who have never had a pony tail, you probably can't relate. It's the "hair hurt" you get after having your hair pulled tightly into a style for a long while and then you un-do it. Only this doesn't stop hurting. It hurt to brush it down into place. Then I put a baseball hat on, to get everyone used to seeing me in one and it hurts, a lot, to shift the hat on my head. It hurts for about 10 minutes after I move the hat, at all.

Very weird. I guess the little hairs are just hanging on by their itty bitty roots and don't like to be messed with. Oh, well. It'll be gone soon. And AC tells me I'll have lots of different hair do's to come as it grows back in next spring.

Let's just hope it comes back in a familiar color....

Hats and hair

This is my first red hat, the my mom bought me several Christmas's ago. I stole the candy cane scarf from #2 last year. It has brass bells on the end. Way Christmas-y. Note the hair...



Then Handyman bought me this red hat last Christmas and yes, this is a self portrait and I don't do fake smiles.. I love the hat. Doesn't make any difference how much hair you have with this thing.



This is my first hat from LD in TX. It's a beaut and fits great. I think it'll be better without hair. She said there is silk in the yarn, so it should be warm. The picture doesn't show the pretty lace detail around the edge. This yarn was hand-dyed and she got it in Montanta--one of my favorite places.



This is what came in the mailbox today--I LOVE the yarn, but alas, it is a mite too small. Handyman called it a "tribble" when I took it out of the package! The picture doesn't do the color justice. It is a vibrant red-winey purple. I think #3 will steal it from me, although LD says she can make it bigger when she comes at Christmas. This pattern on the internet was called "No-Hair Day hat". Purty funny. I think maybe some beaded fringe around it will anchor it down and extend the length. I still love it, LD.

New hat!

My first beautiful hat came from TX yesterday! It is a pattern that I picked out on the internet (www.ravelry.com) and then LD donated some beautiful silk/wool yarn in a melange of dark royal blue, green and purples. I'll post a picture of it later. It fits like a glove!

Right now we are hosting a sleepover birthday for #1 who turned 15 yesterday. Thankfully it is only three girls plus ours. I had to get up at 2:15 am to stop the cacophony with verbal threats. Needless to say, I'll be able to get back on the computer by 8 pm tonight! They are playing the new Nancy Drew computer game here...so I had to beg on for five minutes.

Overall, I feel great! My energy is good and my stomach is better now that I stopped over-doctoring it. I slipped and fell at the barn yesterday on the frosted edge of the steps. My left arm saved me from crashing my face into the stoop and today the back of the arm is a little sore. But, it worked. I am being more diligent about stretching the arm overhead without bending the elbow to try to get rid of some cording there. Other than that, I only have pain when I try to stretch way out with my left arm, like reaching out the car window to the bank drawer at the drivethrough.

My tongue seems like it is burned at the tip, so I got some recommended mouthwash that kills bacteria and has calcium. Hopefully it is not the beginning of any mouthsores. We'll see. Thanksgiving dinner was great. #2 has gotten over her flu thing after being gone for three days. And we watched Get Smart last night. Very funny.

Well, chaos is taking over downstairs as they wait for me to step aside...

Bras

I realized last night that I hadn't really filled you in on the whole bra situation. Up until last weekend, I was wearing what I endearingly referred to as the "Frau Blucher" bra. I wore this 24/7 from the date of surgery until last week, except for showering.

Fortunately for me (?), my 84-year old grandma from WVA brought her Frau Bluchers with her from her mastectomy 8 years ago! And you know what, they worked! Now, she's about 4'11" and 150 lbs. I'm 5'6" and 135. But when it comes to Frau Bluchers--size just don't matter. They have heavy, wide velcro in the front and big, non-stretchy velcro adjusted straps. It's a harness. And there's nothing like that family feeling that comes from sharing your bras with your grandma, I think.

So, at long last, the day arrives when they've told me I can sleep WITHOUT a bra! Whooooooo! In the past, that would never have seemed like that big of a deal. Many-a-time have we women folk fallen asleep in a bra and really didn't even notice, that much. But, there's a big difference between one night and THIRTY!

Can I just say that I can totally relate to a workhorse coming in from the field and dying to get that collar off; to roll in the field and work those harness marks away. The only difference is that my harness marks aren't going anywhere.

And therein we discover the great difference between God-created breasts and those made by mere mortals. The mortal-ones don't move. No slippin'. No slidin'. No crashing together in the middle. They're immobile.

Even so, it was great to ditch Frau Blucher for awhile and then even move on to sports bras. Sports bras are great, if you have the upper-body strength of Peyton Manning, to even get them on. For someone with a somewhat incapacitated upper arm movement and strength, it was a battle for the ages. I was afraid someone would find me writhing around on the bathroom floor, both arms locked in the upright position, unable to get the thing past my face, smothered. But, mustering all my resolve to not humiliate myself further, I did manage to get it over "them". They, of course, did not move, even for the sports bra.

It's a lot like dressing a statue.

The bad part is that the little remaining scabby parts are hard and sharp like iron. Combine that with limited feeling in the scabby area and you have some hairy situations--like: "ooh, there's a chunk coming off. I should pull it so it doesn't stab into me later. Why isn't that coming off? Ooooh, it's still attached. Ick! Where is that red stuff coming from?!"

The alternative scenario is this: "Ooooh, there's a chunk coming off. I don't want to pull that off prematurely and make it bleed (like last time, idiot!). I'll just put more neosporin on it and check it later. Twelve hours of numbing sports bra therapy later..."OMGosh! I'm impaled on a piece of scab!"

So goes the body sculpting adventures of a rural housewife. Ooooh, I gotta back off on those stool softeners...

P.S. Handyman is mortified that this has been made public, so please don't mention it to him, EVER...but it's a part of recovery and it helps me to laugh about it. Gross-ness shared is gross-ness reduced, in my mind.

Keep on chugging...

Another awesome dinner from my mom and then from KB; out of the freezer and onto the table. Handyman will have a hot meal when he gets home, that does not involve tortilla chip crumbs.

I am growing accustomed to my taste-weirdness, but I'll relish getting back to the real me--I LOVE lemonade. I did decide that there is no need to mix the stool softeners with Milk of Magnesia in one 24-hour period. Although Sunday was pretty awful, Milk of Magnesia is so horrendous as to make me question which I'd prefer. I wasn't sure I could bring myself to take it again, it was so remiscent of the water left in the wheel barrow after mixing concrete. The inactive ingredient list said: "puffed water"????

Anyway, since I'm not a big Depends fan, I'm going to have to choose one or the other. So now I am taking, anti-nausea(s), Prilosec OTC, and Milk of Spanish Inquisition--only every OTHER day.

#2 is sequestered at my parents with a low fever and malaise. Hoping it isn't the flu, in which case we'll all be separate for the holiday. I had a message that my very first hat is on its way from TX as we speak! LD knitted her fingers to bloody stumps and left her leaves layin' for another weekend to get it done! My mom found out about a great wig place that I will visit next week. I'll take some pictures in different options, for fun.

We got a piano last night--you know, the gifts just keep rolling in...no, Aibrean had already wished her piano to my girls and we brought it up last night. #1 wasted no time, going straight from her bed to the bench this morning, playing throughout the day. Gotta get the tuner lined up SOON! ;)

I cut #3's hair tonight and we laughed about how when Mom has no hair, there won't be any tangles and it won't take any time to get ready! Yea! ;*)

Happy Thanksgiving--love to all of you!!

A productive weekend

Yesterday, in the mail, I received my prescription for a "cranial prosthesis"--know what that is? A wig, of course. How goofy is that? Whatever...I'll hang onto it for awhile. I ended up emailing my ole pal KB about coming to clean house with me, because she cleans like me, one little piece at a time. Of course, she had told her husband BEFORE receiving my email that she was going to stay home from closing up her inlaws' lake house in case she could come help me. Which she did...

She vacuumed on hands and knees until she got blisters, I think. Then she manhandled the big vacuum on the DR rug until it was lovely. Meanwhile Mimi and Papa came by and while Papa helped in the barn with Handyman, Mimi sewed and then helped me wash out the drawers in the kitchen where the MOUSE was hanging out until I disturbed him!

Handyman wanted to watch Iron Man last night instead of Get Smart. I made it for about 10 minutes or so and thought I was going to puke. So, I propped my knees up and tried to read a book and then tried to sleep and then turned over to watch the last 5 minutes. Not my cup of tea, at this time anyway. Once he started pulling the long tube out of his nose, I was done.

Between watching the tiny bit of Iron Man with his "implanted" body part and reading my book about a modern woman waking up in someone else's body in Jane Austen's time, I laid in bed being depressed about not having all my original parts. When my kid lays her head against my chest for a hug, I feel like there's a big ziploc container there. They're just kind of robo-bosoms--no life; stand-ins, props.

I guess that's something you just have to adjust to. They're not the originals, but there's nothing to be done about that. It is what it is. I miss them a little--in all their imperfections, but they were "me". I thought about people who have accidents or suffer in war, coming home with lots of "parts" that aren't original. You adjust, overcome, put it away and move on, or you dwell and fuss and do yourself no good.

As my scabs come off, along with the blue blob, I guess it's about time to accomodate the feelings that are easier avoided. I threw out the old pages from my daytimer, from September and October. There was the date that had my mammogram, then the date for the biopsy, then the date I sat in the car in the sunshine and heard I had cancer. Then the date with the surgeon and the date for the MRI and the date with the plastic surgeon and the surgery and thrown all in there my birthday and whew! So many things gone already--like cancer. Gone, done, overcome. I told #1 today, I do not have cancer. I had it, but it's been removed and that part is done, fini!

Today I feel yukky. I stayed home from church because I was tired, but that turned into painful cramps in my gut that come and go. Finally, this afternoon I took a Darvocet along with my anti-nausea thing because the pains are like labor pains, only with no smiling bundle as a result!

It's actually a pretty nice day out and we're going to try to take a family picture this afternoon, hopefully.

I told Handyman I am glad that my chemo is now rather than spring or summer. It'll all be over when the spring starts coming and I am very thankful for that. In the meantime, I'll be the Milk of Magnesia poster girl for the coming months and never take for granted the rhythms of one's bodily functions. ;)

THANKS AGAIN!

You guys don't know what a boost it is to read your comments. I'm going to take a little nappy right now before dinner. I took #1 to her math tutor, which she tried to hate, but could not. I got my Jane Austen club pack in the mail yesterday and will try to read it. And my first netflix came for tonight "Get Smart". I am reading Mr. Darcy's Decision, which was on my library's "new" shelf. It is very well written so far--in JA's style.

I will be sad to be away from Awana these few months, although I know it is for the best. Could you all please pray for Noah Estes? This cute little buddy has a lifelong illness that will not get better and is struggling with some serious issues TODAY in SC.

Heading off for some shuteye, while #1 writes biology definitions beside me. ;)

Home from chemo!

Hey--all went well! Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and help! We saw the doc; she has sent my blood off for the onco-type test. Results are not back yet. I had an iv drug for nausea, 2 chemo drugs, a shot for white blood cell build-up and another drug that I can't remember right now.

No kind of reaction to anything so far. Not even bad taste in my mouth or anything. PTL. Got lots of advice from the nurse. She gave me a brochure for hats that come with ponytails! Yea! And a hat catalog that has wigs and even a little wig cap that only has hair around the edges, to wear under hats. That might be the best solution yet.

Came home (with a yummy meal from Needa), moved some laundry through, cleaned cat boxes and now laying down for a nap--just because I CAN! Onward and upward!

Here we go!

Chugging up that dark Space Mountain hill that is...Space Mountain, the dark roller coaster at Disneyworld begins by the slow ascent through "NASA Space Command", the only lighted area until you disembark. Behind the glass windows are the mannequin space controllers and the top of the hill is, well, dark. Who knows what waits beyond?? That's me.

But first, here's my hair: The back--with the ponytail that AC saved so Handyman could tuck it into his pillow and pet it if he wants. (There was more hair than that, she just cut that first, leaving her a generous length to work with.) How about those waves!



And, here's the front:



Pretty cute, I think! At the dinner table, #1 told me I could pass for 30!! And #2 said I looked like a teenager from the 70's. (This was said in complimentary fashion.) I told her I WAS a teenager in the 70's. When we got to Awana, people were falling all over themselves telling me that it looked great--most of them not knowing the reason I got it cut. I kept wanting to say, "Well, love it while you can!" Even men noticed. I guess I must have looked pretty old and haggard before!!

When we got home from dropping off the kids (separately), Handyman had a little surprise for me: Ben & Jerry's CHUBBY HUBBY! I don't think I've had Chubby Hubby in 5 years or more. I didn't even know they still made it! We ate it straight from the tub, on our bed while we watched Ocean's 12. That was a fun movie and I already have Oceans 13 sitting on the armoire, ready to go (from the library). We signed up for Netflix yesterday morning.

I honestly am not scared. I usually respond well to medicine, so I am hoping to soak up all the anti-nausea meds they offer and just muddle through. Handyman is taking me because they require you to bring someone the first time. I can't make him sit there for three hours though, because he has stall mats to work on--tee hee! So, Needa is going to come over towards the end time and bring me home. Plus she wants to borrow my Bill O'Reilly book for her drive to NY.

We had a great meal from SR last night, a baked ziti dish that was enough for two meals. It was great to have ready before leaving for Awana. #1 is going to school with her best bud all day today. This is the first time she has gone to school since Kindergarten. I hope she can write off some school-related myths she's been carrying around forever.

All three princesses will be getting together at Mimi & Papa's tonight to watch their tivo'd Dancing With the Stars results night and barring any serious worshipping of the porcelain god here at home, they'll all be in their own beds tonight. I'm pretty sure that chemo is also an innoculation against all future zits, cold sores, hemmorhoids, warts, bunions and ingrown toenails...at least it should be, in my book.

Thanks again for all the prayers and heartfelt goodwishes. Thanks to the Lord for chemo! Cheers!

Odds and Ends

LT asked what part of the costs we are responsible for...we've met our deductible for the year ($5500), between Handyman getting bitten by the cat (ours), #3 falling into the coffee table two days before her birthday and my biopsy/mammos back in September, that put us over the top. In fact, we got a reimbursement check for my post-op medications last week ($73). So, those bills I detailed yesterday are being paid at 100%. After the first of the year, it'll be back on us until we reach $5500.

I actually like this set-up a lot. I used my health savings account to pay for my massage the other day and we use it for dental too. Those are tax-free dollars.

I've gotten some good recommendations regarding chemo (TAKE THE MAXIMUM DOSE OF ANTI-NAUSEA MEDS!) and regarding nutrition during chemo. I got a generous gift card to William-Sonoma from a good friend of my mom's, whom I have never met! I've gotten cards from a mother of a friend, cards from out of state, cards from cousins I haven't seen in years, a card from my college roommate. It is a delight to receive so many. I got two freezer meals from a friend last night.

A friend in Texas has already wacked off her hair in support, and donated it to a wig maker for cancer patients. (Locks of Love makes wigs for children.) She's also making me some hats! Yippee! She says I'll be helping her reduce her yarn stash.

I'll be getting my hair dramatically shortened today and then into some sort of boy-cut in a couple of weeks. My friend AC, (who will be showing her dog at WESTMINSTER in Feb.) keeps cutting my hair for free, because I have promised her daughter 2 million free riding lessons next summer. It is great to have a friend who's a hairdresser!

I'm going to sign up for netflicks this morning, since I keep having to write checks to the library for my late fees. Pathetic, I know. My it's nice that all the library ladies recognize me!

The 4H leader was shocked to see me last night. She didn't think I'd be up and around yet. I told her I've been up and around for weeks--ask my kids. We saw some funny t-shirts in a horse catalog. One said: If Momma's on her horse's back, she ain't on yours. (They want that one.) I want the one that says "Thank God I'm not a twin!" (For #1) There was also one that said "Horsework before Housework" (definitely me).

How much does all this cost??

In case anyone is wondering what breast cancer runs in the financial arena...

My bill from the breast surgeon was around $5000, of which he received $1500 from insurance and $300 from me. That $5000 was for surgery day, not visits, which were minimal.

The plastic surgeon's bill for surgery was $11,000, which she filed with my insurance, they routed it to a "non-network" deductible of $10,000, which I have met none of, so she receives nothing.

The anaesthesiologist was around $1500-$1800, can't remember. I think that's pathetic considering she's doing the risky stuff.

The hospital bill came yesterday; keep in mind I was there around 30 hours. I didn't have a lightswitch I could reach all night and the bill was $46,000, which they were paid $39,000 by the insurance company.

The insurance company also paid $2700 for the BR-CA gene test. Since some of my chemo will be done after the first of the year, I'll be responsible for the first $5500. But after that, they pay everything (in network). Not bad, considering.

Water gets deeper

The day we've all been waiting for...well, maybe it was just me waiting for it. Or pretending it wouldn't come. I met my oncologist yesterday and liked her very much. Her undergrad was with honors, she was chief resident at IU and then her MD from Vanderbilt, so she's no slouch. She's my age or a little younger. Very kind and nice.

She said all my situations fall in the middle of the road--the size of my cancer mass, my age, the aggressiveness of my cancer cells, are all mid-range. The onco-type test takes two weeks to get the results. Even if it comes back that I have a "low likelihood" of recurrence from that test, she would still be recommending that I do chemo, sooner rather than later. Also, there were cancer cells in the right breast tissue. They were immeasurable, but existed. So, another thing to be thankful for--getting them both done. PTL

She said chemo lowers your recurrence risk by 40%. Taking Tamoxifen after that lowers the remaining risk by another 18%, so they are worth doing. She felt like she was the bearer of bad news, although it isn't really bad news. It's a temporary tunnel you pass through to make the far end of the road longer, I guess.

She said my hair would fall out 19 days after the first treatment. I have to have four treatments, 21 days apart. She said you feel pretty crappy for about a week, then your blood counts drop and you need to be very careful about germs and fresh fruits and vegetables at that point. Then about the time you get feeling better it's time to do it again.

I cried. I admit it. It's so silly to cry over something that seems so shallow, but in reality, it's a BIG part of my identity. Handyman LOVES my hair. It is my one vanity solely because he has always gone on and on about how he loves it. I am glad it will be winter; and I am glad I really do like hats. I will hate having no eyelashes especially. But it gives me a chance to be humble and to pick out something else to identify me, I guess. How about a big blue blob? Oh, right, I can't be showing that to everyone. It is getting lighter in color, but the oncologist said it would last awhile. Wonder what her definition of "awhile" is?

It'll still be football season, so that'll help. And I'm signing up for Netflix. My concession to cancer?? Netflix. No late fees. I just have to walk to my mailbox. My friend RM is giving me some recipes for homemade calorie-intensive foods to boost my strength. I think I'm going to take #1 and #2 to Olive Garden for an early birthday dinner, while I still feel like eating.

I'm considering the whole hibernation thing--don't show my face until March 1. My blog b/c friend, Gail has been through her first treatment, so I have some hints of what goes on. I'm sure my friend Aibrean will have words to encourage me with, since she has walked this road, with a great sense of fashion, I might add.

Here's what I am chanting to myself: IT's TEMPORARY. IT's WORTH IT. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. (You'll look like a bowling pin.) Oh, that's probably not one I should keep repeating.

Well, I have to get a flu shot. I have intensive vacuuming to do. I'm off to search "homeschooling with chemo" and "chemo for the holidays". Bottom line, again: It ain't my pancreas. Thank you Lord that chemo exists. (Remind me of this in two weeks.)

Of interest, before my oncology appt. Tamoxifen

Found this while looking into Tamoxifen, the drug that seems pretty likely in my future: (I added the bold type since it applies to me.)

Tamoxifen is the oldest of all the SERMs (Selective Estrogen Receptor Modulators). Tamoxifen is prescribed for women with hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer before and after menopause. While tamoxifen is the hormonal treatment of choice for pre-menopausal women, research suggests that tamoxifen is not quite as effective as the aromatase inhibitors for post-menopausal women.

Tamoxifen is used to reduce the risk of breast cancer for women who:

are at high risk of breast cancer but have no personal history of the disease, or
have non-invasive, hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer, or DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ), or
have hormone-receptor-positive invasive breast cancer at any stage.
Tamoxifen is taken for up to five years. But women with advanced (metastatic) disease can continue taking tamoxifen as long as it is working well.

Tamoxifen has very weak estrogen activity. When you take tamoxifen, it passes into your bloodstream, joining all kinds of hormones, nutrients, oxygen, and other molecules as it circulates through the tissues of your body. If breast cancer cells are present, tamoxifen flows around them as well. If these cancer cells have estrogen receptors (about two-thirds do), tamoxifen slips into the receptor "locks," filling up a space that would normally be taken by the body's natural estrogen.

Cell with estrogen receptors blocked by tamoxifen and helper proteins.
Larger VersionBecause tamoxifen is such a weak estrogen, its estrogen signals don't stimulate very much cell growth. And because it has stolen the place away from more powerful estrogen, it blocks estrogen-stimulated cancer cell growth. In this way, tamoxifen acts like an "anti-estrogen."

Tamoxifen may also take the place of natural estrogen in the receptors of healthy breast cells. In that way it holds down growth activity, and possibly stops abnormal growth and the development of a totally new breast cancer. By blocking natural estrogen from getting to the receptors, tamoxifen is helpful in reducing the risk of breast cancer in women at high risk who have never had breast cancer. It also can help women who have already had breast cancer in one breast by lowering the risk of a new breast cancer forming in the other breast.

For pre-menopausal women, tamoxifen is the best hormonal therapy. But tamoxifen is no longer the first choice for post-menopausal women. If you've been on tamoxifen for two to three years and now you're in menopause, your doctor may recommend that you switch to an aromatase inhibitor to finish your five years of hormonal therapy. However, you can still get a lot of benefit if you take tamoxifen for up to five years and then switch to an aromatase inhibitor.

Over the years, it's important for you to be checked regularly so that you and your doctor can re-evaluate how the drug's potential benefits and side effects.

Tamoxifen plus other treatments
Hormonal therapy doesn't replace other forms of treatment. The value of each treatment adds up to give you a better overall benefit. Hormonal therapy may be recommended on its own or in addition to chemotherapy or radiation therapy (but not at the same time as chemotherapy).

One study found that radiation plus tamoxifen was much better than tamoxifen alone at reducing the risk of breast cancer coming back after a lumpectomy in women with hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer. This was true even for women with very small cancers (less than one centimeter). Another study showed similar results for women with very small cancers with no lymph node involvement. This means it's important to have radiation treatment after a lumpectomy, even if you have a very small cancer and are taking tamoxifen or other hormonal therapy.

How the benefits of tamoxifen and chemotherapy add up depends on your individual situation. In general, for women with hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer, hormonal therapy is more powerful than chemotherapy. But chemotherapy can also be very helpful if you have a high risk of the cancer coming back. For example, if you have lymph node involvement, you may want to take both forms of treatment to get your risk as low as possible.

One study found that tamoxifen AND chemotherapy improved survival rates by about 40–50% compared to taking one treatment or the other. (Again, tamoxifen and chemotherapy are not given at the same time.)

However, another study found that chemotherapy plus hormonal therapy was no better than hormonal therapy alone for women with hormone-receptor-positive cancers that had not spread to their lymph nodes. This was especially true for women age 40 or older. The benefits of two hormonal therapies, tamoxifen and Zoladex (chemical name: goserelin), together are the same as the benefit as CMF (cytoxan, methotrexate, 5-FU) chemotherapy in pre-menopausal women. (Zoladex shuts down the ovaries so that estrogen production stops.)

Should you consider chemotherapy if the breast cancer has not spread to your lymph nodes? If you've been diagnosed with lymph node–negative invasive breast cancer that is hormone-receptor-positive, chemotherapy may not add much benefit above and beyond hormonal therapy. Plus, side effects of chemotherapy tend to be more difficult to handle than those of hormonal therapy.

To help figure out whether chemotherapy might or might not add benefit, you could consider having a test, called Oncotype DX. The test is available for women who have hormone-receptor-positive, node-negative breast cancer. Ask your doctor if this test might be helpful in your situation, and if she or he can help get the cost (about $3,200) covered by your health insurance.

ANY further reduction of risk may seem worthwhile to you. Many women feel that they want to do anything and everything to keep lowering their risk.

Back to me--as I mentioned, I am having the Onco-Type test...I'm going to be sure to take this info with me to the appt.

Better

I was better yesterday. Hopefully it wasn't just the distraction of my friend, CD, who brought me a meal for today! Yea! Handyman graciously doffs his cap again and again to all of you who have contributed so generously to his nutritional needs. He is really over tostito crumbs with cheese melted in the microwave...did I mention that I am way okay with "rut eating"? My dad taught me this by insisting that mom cook in industrial-size batches EVERY meal. That way he could eat the leftovers for several days. And believe me, my mom doesn't throw out anything. You eat and re-save it over and over until there is more mass of green fungi than food.

When I got married, I didn't realize there was any use for smallish pots and pans. Then I learned that Handyman is okay with leftovers and he is frugal, but he is not a rut-eater like us. He doesn't do the "Friday Night Spaghetti" thing, every week the same. And, he has catered food at work. Now that isn't always as excited as you think--sometimes the "caterer" is Papa John's or Jimmie John's or someother John's. But sometimes it's a two-entree choice with vegetable sides and a soup.

ANYWAY--he is VERY thankful to all of you who have made the drive to Netherfield to sustain him. So I got to visit with CD, for the first time in a year and then went to Mom and Dad's for the first real meal I have eaten in a couple days and it was good--meatloaf with mashed potatoes and tomato-soup gravy. Then we watched Dancing With the Stars as is our habit.

#3 ate her meatloaf and her potatoes but mostly ate sweet pickles and olives and then had a big rootbeer float. Then Mom realized that she had forgotten to put out the deviled eggs! So, of course she got those out and #3 had one of those too. By this time I was popping a couple of antacid tablets and here came #3 breathing deviled egg/root beer breath in my face and it was almost too much for me. I told Mom, if I had to clean up puked-up root beer with deviled egg, I was going to kill her! Then, #3 says, "My belly hurts." and I look pointedly at Mom.

Fortunately, her digestive system was up to the strain. Mine is still in recovery mode. I did eat peanut butter toast this morning and in honor of my Gammie, I put butter under the peanut butter, because that's how she did it (and it's GREAT). That's the first morning I've wanted/eaten breakfast in several. So, improvement.

I have also scheduled myself for a 1/2 hour massage next Friday. My neck is kinked something fierce and I'm willing to pay for help. In fact, I may just make it a standing appointment because I can use my health savings account to pay for it! Needa's SIL is a massage therapist, so I have an "in".

So, I don't have to worry about food tonight and there's a chicken pot pie in the freezer for tomorrow after church! And then, there's a smoked chicken for later in the week...thank you Lord for FRIENDS!

Appointment

Okay, the big oncology appointment is next Thursday, I think at 10 am. He asked me whether I wanted to see a man or a woman oncologist, or did I care; and I told him I didn't care if a uterus was involved, I just wanted to see a good one.

So I am set up with a woman oncologist; no word on whether she has a uterus or not. She will order what's called an "onco type" test that involves 21 chromosomal markers (I think that's what he said.) They will compare the arrangement of my 21 markers with many gazillions of others who they have followed to determine if I have a low, moderate or high likelihood of recurrence. That will determine the chemo recommendation.

Oh, and my cancer was 2.7 centimeters, so that pushes me into Stage 2, although all my other things were clear, so I'm what they call a 2A, which means just barely at 2. My other cancer blob next to the biopsy site was only 4mm. And, my cancer is estrogen positive, which is good, because that means they have medicine that works on it. Estrogen negative is very challenging and not very responsive, I guess. He is almost positive I will have to take Tamoxifen which is an anti-estrogen, so I could plunge into menopause--Whooo whee! Whatever--better than bein' dead.

Sounds like more big decisions for me. Maybe I should just wait on someone from the government to tell me what to do...

On the abdominal front, I was miserable all evening last night, watching stupid tv shows, because I didn't even want to read. No wonder our country is going downhill so fast. If most homes have that schlock blaring 18 hrs. a day, I can see why peoples' brains have turned to oatmeal. Anyway, today I am feeling a little better, but usually do in the morning. We'll see what the evening brings. I am going to my folks to watch Dancing With the Stars--my one video weakness. (I saw who got voted off last night while perusing those dumb entertainment shows. Thank the Lord I found a This Old House rerun.)

It was great to take a shower without tubes hanging out of me. But, the blue blob shows no signs of fading. I can tell this abdominal thing is slimming me down, which just gives me more splurge room for the holidays. After all, it's EGG NOG season! Woooo hoooo!

Up and down

Had my visit with the surgeon. He said he'd see me in 6 months and he doesn't know why I have a large blob of blue ink still in a strategic place. He found that pretty weird and promised me it would go away. I'm glad because if I was going to get a tatoo there, it would've been a little fancier.

He promised that my arms would be equally good when I finished healing. He encouraged me to stretch the painful one and not baby it. He doesn't want me to have my armpit aspirated again unless it is worse than it was when I saw him. And I do not think it is worse.

However, I feel sort of yukky. I have achy stomach and some tenderness at the bottom of my sternum. I could not get comfortable last night and ended up chewing two pepto bismol tablets and that settled me down. Then I woke up again at 2 and felt the same and fortunately had two tablets left. My eyes sort of popped open then and I thought, "I wonder if I have an ulcer."

Gee, I don't know--teenage angst ongoing issues (for oh 5 years now), in-law related stress on many topics, including hospitalization this week for my FIL, breast cancer, election trauma and I was on Celebrex for 10 days...can't see why I'd feel too stressed.

Sure enough, I looked it up online--the source of all knowledge--and it seems possible. My symptoms seem to fit. So I'm waiting on a call from the surgeon's nurse to see if they'll just call something in for me to see what'll happen.

My energy is good, other than this yukkiness and election depression. It was great to see all my cousins at the funeral yesterday. Handyman looked so great in his suit and my girls looked really grown up too. We got to see Auntie P., Uncle N. and Grandma from WVA there as well. A bonus for the girls!

My cousin Jules tried to tell Handyman that she read that you should never vacuum once you've been diagnosed with breast cancer--that it is off the list FOR GOOD! I don't think he was buying it. Gotta go, the dust bunnies have lifted the bed off the floor.

Drain free

Yeah, I'm livin' a drain-free life. What a treat it was to sleep last night without that stitch in my side, literally. It was a difficult night really, what with Dancing With the Stars on opposite channel from The Masked Magician Reveals. Thankfully, Monday Night Football was not on a local channel or it could have become violent. Then there's the whole issue of a family of four full-size humans and two dogs on a queen-size bed...and one remote.

Anyway, drain is out. She got about 60ml. out from under my arm, which is a lot less than before and we scheduled to try to take out more on Friday afternoon. Today, AFTER VOTING, I see the breast surgeon for his follow-up, when I will get a write-up of my lab reports and he will refer me to an oncologist, I guess.

Tomorrow is my grandma's funeral in Ohio, so I will get to thank all my cousin's first-hand for their cards and flowers and prayers.

Hopin' my state stays red...

Catch Up

Well, Tonya brought us some food on Thursday afternoon, which I planned to make for supper on Friday, since we were going to my parents' house on Thursday night. Handyman saw the food, or maybe sniffed it out, and announced that we were having it for lunch, right then and there!

Tonya was somewhat frightened at the eating that went on around the table that day. Handyman, #1 and I announced that it was the best meal we'd had for three days. (Don't even ask what we had on Wednesday before Awana. Pathetic doesn't even begin to describe it.) Anyway, we just finished Tonya's pan of yummy enchiladas today. We've eaten on it for about 5 meals or so. THANK YOU TONYA! She also brought yummy pumpkin bread with icing and rice and beans. So appreciated.

Today, I dropped off #2 to go with Needa to her weekend cabin. Needa handed me a smoked chicken, frozen and sealed and three chicken potpies for the freezer. I'm still not sure who got the better end of that swap... ;)

BFF Debbie is coming Monday with something yummy from her and from PB as well. So, 2, 2, 2 meals in one trip! Woohooo! (That is really Handyman and the kids cheering--I think they're looking to trade me in on an upgrade or something.) Cindy is bringing us something yummy on Wednesday, to avoid that whole Awana/meal crisis that happened even when I wasn't incapacitated. Then, we also have a standing invite for CCW to come up here and make us amazing applesauce pancakes; so I'll be plugging that in sometime soon.

I also received a gift bag chock full o'wonders from the Whitaker b'day party that I missed last weekend. The piece getting the most mileage is the singing hamster card, that now travels with us, because you cannot fail to smile when there's a singing hamster in your car.

I did see the PA at the plastic surgeon's office yesterday, hoping to get my drain out. I told her that my left armpit was swollen and uncomfortably numb and she poked around on it and decided she would drain some fluid out with a syringe. Well, that went on and on and on and she kept saying things like, "Well, you've surprised me." End result: she drained 150 cc of serrous fluid out from under my arm. She said it is not something to be scared about and she may have to do it again. The drain that is still in does not drain that area. So, I'll go back in Monday afternoon to have the drain out (PTL) and perhaps get a re-suction.

I see Dr. T. the surgeon on Tuesday afternoon and that is when he will give me the full run-down on "my recipe" of cancer and recommend me to an Oncologist. I don't know if that appt. will already be set up or I will make it.

I'd say I feel about 80%. The armpit thing is holding me back a little. I am scooping poop, albeit with the kiddie poop fork, so that the loads aren't as heavy and I do that once in the morning. I would like to strip my bed, but haven't taken on that. The vacuum needs run upstairs, but I'm not doing that, but I did get the kitchen cleaned yesterday, for all of 42.5 minutes before it was undone. The weather is so beautiful it is a shame not to be riding horses, but I know that would be too much, too. Bummer.

Check out my other blog later to see new pictures of the "tree house" in progress.

Tomorrow is my 17th wedding anniversary! Yea! Which probably means that I get to go out to eat--yea!

Note to Auntie P. and Grandma R.: The house is falling to shambles without you! #3 asked, "why did they have to go back to WVA?!"

So what's it feel like to be rebuilt?? Imagine duct-taping a full waistpack to your chest so that it doesn't move. That's it. You know it's not you, but it's not going anywhere, so you might as well adjust. Weird.

Turning on the batlight--

Okay Friends: You've all been begging me and now, now it's time to turn you loose! The batlight has been lit on top of the house, only it's not a bat silhouette, but an outline of a waiter holding a tray with the lid lifted, and steam wafting.

There's no food goin' on here since Auntie P. left for them hills of W.Va. Last night's dinner: some 3-day old lasagna and a frozen pizza. Tonight, #2 and #3 got fed at a friend's and #1, Handyman and I had frozen fish sticks, microwaved baked potatoes and a drink. Handyman is downstairs right now, eating Triscuits and hummus. #2 hasn't seen a vegetable in almost a week.

If he knew the code to get on here, he'd have signaled before now (because all of you cook better than I do!) So, if you want to help out, this is your time. Frankly, by the end of a day, I have made it through and want to sit on my bed, soak up a pain pill and read a book. I did unload the dishwasher today, carried some clean jeans upstairs, fed horses, drove to dermatologist, went to bank, fed lunch to whomever would eat and found a really cute horse on the internet...oh, and looked at the biology cd and supervised litterbox cleaning. A big day, really.

You can't know how much he'll appreciate it...

What a wonderful day in the neighborhood....

I forgot to mention the most charming package to come in the mail last week. It was from my cousin CK, but it really came from her #1, whose 1st grade brownie troop ALL sent get well cards! They are so precious. I'm thinking of wall-papering my bathroom with them. There must be 20 from these precious little women, putting all their coloring energy together for me. Have I mentioned that I love coloring? I still do. Something about new crayons...Thank you little CK, from the bottom of my heart! xoxo

In Psalm 27, for yesterday, this struck me:

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

And for today: Psalm 28: Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strenth and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

And now, my aunt and my grandma are not here swiffering and running laundry and the I must go down to the kitchen and get on the hamster wheel of house work!

Always washing, always washing,
Always hanging out the clothes.
Always ironing, always folding--
Lord, we thank Thee, we are clothed.

Always cooking, always cooking.
Always baking loaves of bread.
Always washing dirty dishes--
Lord, we thank Thee, we are fed.

Always cleaning, always cleaning.
Always chasing dirt untold.
Dusting, sweeping--Lord we thank Thee
We are sheltered from the cold.

Always rocking, always rocking.
Always picking up the toys.
Changing diapers--Lord we thank Thee
For our little girls and boys.

Lord in every task and duty,
Gladly done, as unto Thee.
There's a blessing, there's a blessing.
There's a blessing there for me.

Halle-Lu-YEAH!

God is so incredibly cool--I just love when he puts his little signatory on things. I have several stories that confirm this, just ask me sometime about how I met my husband or how we found our house.

Today's story has to do with cancer, specifically my cancer, which was evicted last Monday. Dr. T., the breast surgeon called me today with my pathology results. He said all of the lymph nodes he removed tested negative for cancer--that is soooo great! He also said that the three sentinel nodes that were tested in the operating room are all negative for cancer--what was that??? Right, there was one that was positive, so they removed a bunch more to cover for that one.

Now what's the story? He said they are "backpeddaling" now and saying the one that had cancer, does not. He said he wishes he'd had that information last Monday, because he wouldn't have whipped out the shop vac and gone at it in my armpit after all. But he says, "I can't put the genie back in the bottle."

No he can't and doggone it, I'm okay with that. To me it's God's sign that he's totally in control. Little signposts, like breadcrumbs, that say "He is here and in charge".

So, I'm several lymph nodes short of a full load, but we'll deal with that. I will see an oncologist, but Dr. T. says he thinks I have less than a 50% chance of having to have chemo. Oh, and the other "mass" that was seen in the MRI was another cancer, but it was only 4mm. Right side was clear, a victim by association, as it were.

I am celebrating by eating all of the cookies my aunt left here, watching Monday Night Football, eating popcorn on my bed and throwing back a few stool softeners. Have a great evening--on me!

Progress

Okay, got one drain removed and the On-Q local anaesthetic deal as well. Multiple people told me in the hospital that when the On-Q was empty, I could easily remove it by myself. Now keep in mind that it was two tiny tubes with plastic heads, taped into the skin over my sternum, with lots of tape. Well, it was pretty much empty yesterday morning, but I just couldn't bring myself to untape it and pull it out. Just couldn't go there...and figured since I was seeing her first thing this morning, she could just do it.

Fast forward to this morning, where I sheepishly pronounce to the Physician Assistant that I couldn't take it out myself and she said no problem. Then when the PS comes in and I re-announce this, she says "Who told you to take it out?" and I tell her that more than one nurse in the hospital told me to, she says; "Boy, I'm glad you didn't try that since I sew them in. You'd have had a dickens of a time getting it out." And, it ended up being about 2' long, after they cut the stitch to pull them out. Wow--points for being a weenie!

So, only one drain left and it will probably come out by the end of the week. I can drive. No cardio-work for two weeks--bummer. No heavy lifting for 6, oh well. There goes all that mattress turning I had planned.

Aunt and Grandma are leaving me today, so I'll have to do my own kitchen cleaning--mega-bummer. Now if I could just get my MIL to stop saying "WHEN your hair falls out, we'll have to tell Grandpa."

Product endorsement, shameless

FYI, for anyone with ANY upcoming surgery...ask your doctor or surgeon about On-Q--this little thing is amazing! When I went to the website this morning, it indicated that the product can be used for any number of different surgeries, c-sections, knee replacement, etc. It is a constant input of local anaesthesia to your surgery site over a period of 4-5 days and I will be removing it myself today, since it's finally empty.

What a blessing it has been, rather than relying on narcotics, which make you sick or stupid or both. I guess it's another blessing of having a top-drawer plastic surgeon. It has been amazing to watch the little canteen in the bag and try to figure out how it works. Now, seeing it at the end of its duty, we've decided that the cylinder is expanded to its maximum size full of medicine (about the size of a softball), the pressure of the container trying to return to its original shape is pushing the medicine down the tube (at a prescribed rate, of course) into the surgery site.

I HIGHLY recommend it!

Flowers!

Here's the photo gallery of all the pretty plants I have received! Sure brightens the day to have them around. Thanks to everyone!

This is an actual cranberry bush, from my aunt and cousins and families in South Dakota. It has cranberries on it, ready to pick, but has pretty foliage too. It says I have to wrap it in plastic and put it in the crisper drawer for several months, until April, I think. Good thing I have two refrigerators!



This pretty Peace Lily came from my cousin and her family, in Ohio. I have always liked these.



This arrangement came from our church. It smells like mums, which say "fall" to me!


These beauties are from #1's biology teacher, who chose them because they are beautiful and last a long, long time. I love them too!

You're not going to believe this...

MIL, of course, came to visit me today. I knew she would feel better once she saw me. She was, of course, on the verge of tears most of the time. I did press hard against telling FIL, since it will just make him sad and worried unnecessarily. I don't see any reason to burden him. I get the feeling she's not going to rest until she tells him.

The good news is, MIL only used the word "autopsy" once... ;)

Getting up is getting easier

Well, we told MIL last night. Handyman drove to her house to tell her. I was honestly afraid she might collapse--but she didn't, thank heavens. She called me and said, "I'm mad at you!" and I said, "Well, you'll have to forgive me." and of course she said she would. I just started telling her what a great "God story" it is about all the important things that have happened and how the Lord is in control. Maybe this will be a chance for me to really witness to her about a living faith.

Getting up first thing in the morning has been the hardest. Today when Handyman got up at 5am, I took a darvocet before I got out of bed, but even then it was easier today. It seems like I'll always have these things hanging off me--I feel like a chandelier, but I know that isn't the case. I started spraying the bathroom counter down with lysol after I do drains and using Dial soap everytime before I start. Remembering my mom's long battle with staph infection last year--don't want to go there.

My aunt is downstairs doing wild aerobics with my girls in the entryway! So great! She's calling out positions and they're into it! I remember my Jane Fonda days! Ha! Now I just want to sleep without a bra on!

I am on celebrex, keflex and darvocet as needed (once a day for the past three days). More importantly, someone who reads this blog scheduled an overdue mammogram for last week and has been called back for extra pictures today. Please pray for her--that what needs to be seen will be seen. And I told her,like they told me, 80-90% of these are nothing; so hang in there.

No path report for me yet.

Here's a link to a wonderful story about how you face adversity. Enjoy!

Tired today

...but so encouraged and feel blessed by the care I have received. I was just reading on a breast cancer bulletin board and cannot believe some of the stuff there. I am so thankful for the doctors and nurse/PT care I have already received. I actually had to just leave the site or I would be writing comments all day about how different my experience has been from almost every one of those posted.

I guess the Lord is giving me a radically different experience for some reason, and I'm glad. I never cried before hand, in fact the only time I cried was on Tuesday afternoon when I was posting about being thankful for all of you. I had some fear of the surgery, nobody likes pain, but honestly, this is soooooo much easier than giving birth, or abdominal surgery or knee-replacement or something. This is truly a surgery "outside your body". It doesn't hurt to get up or move around and stretching and reaching feels like when you have sore muscles. The movement actually relieves some of the "pain". I hate to even call it that.

My surgeon had said in the beginning that this surgery "wasn't that bad" and I thought, yeah, you're a guy. But he was right and/or a great surgeon. It could also matter that I have this little canteen of local anaesthetic pumping into my sternum area for four days straight, hmmmmmmmmm.

Anyway, no word on pathology yet. More presents and friends showed up yesterday. KS with a b'day gift from her and Needa. KB with chocolate milk from Oberweis and Traders Point Creamery--YUMMM! Saw my punkins and picked them up from Awana. Everybody made their targets, so they were happy.

Took a big nap this morning and am glad for one more day of quiet house. Guess I just won't visit those boards anymore. Too frustrating--but how do you know if you're getting inadequate treatment/advice?? That's scarey.

Well, I'm gonna take the dog out and put on some real clothes. Gotta tell MIL today. Please pray she doesn't have a heart attack...

And the thank-you roll continues

Okay, yesterday when I got home, I opened presents from DF (wonderful Party Lite candles to overwhelm dog-smell), from MS (a beautiful bracelet and pretty note pad), a large pretty plant was delivered from my cousin JM in Ohio; #1's very sweet biology teacher showed up with sweet rolls and flowers and #1's biology book that got left behind on Monday.

I forgot to thank SP who drove all over God's green acres on Monday delivering my kids hither and yon. Her daughter made me sweet cards and her handsome little son has been wearing a pink breast cancer bracelet for weeks now, just for me! My grandma (a bc survivor) gave me a beautiful bc ribbon stained glass to hang in my window. My aunt has been cooking and doing laundry and laying with #2 in bed reading at night. My grandma has been keeping #3 entertained.

Then CR drove the kids to 4H last night and sent home a french-toast casserole to eat or freeze. I have gotten cards from my cousin in Ohio, a game-cube from my cousin in MD!, calls from my cousins elsewhere and lots of licking from Princess Tashi.

The Love Machine is putting up with laying on a chair next to me, but doesn't understand why he can't sit in his usual pose of facing me on my lap, with his arms up towards my neck, breathing my breath. At this point of not-showering, he may be better off. I have a little bag that holds a ball, literally, of pain med that is tubed right overtop of my sternum. The ball will empty by itself in about four days at which time, I just pull out the little tubes--personal growth. In the meantime I get to carry this heavy little canteen everywhere with me. I can't shower until it is empty.

I did look today and it's pretty darn amazing. My grandma can't believe I don't have "dressings" or "packing" or something. There's just little steri-strips over incisions and there's not one in my armpit, so he must've used a shop-vac or something. I wasn't paying that much attention.

Anyway, getting up that first time in the morning was a little tough, but it feels better to be moving and stretching. Drain things are gross, but you gotta do it. Watched Emma last night with Handyman, interrupted several times while he did all the kid driving and chores. He was a little whiney and I told him "Welcome to my life when you're at work or gone. Suck it up, Bud!" :)

The plastic surgeon stressed to my parents that I must not get constipated--okay, weird, but I am a rule-follower; so have loaded up on prunes. The physical therapist told me I am never to get blood pressure or needle sticks in my left arm EVER again. I should be careful to not get sunburned and always wear gloves when working outside, protecting myself from unnecessary infection opportunities through scratches, etc. Since lymph nodes have been removed, I have less protection. She said lymph nodes grab things that are too big for capillaries to move. That's why the cancer goes there. The lymph node is trying to catch it and kill it.

Napping is such an extravagance. What a treat! Thanks for all the well wishes. Praying for clean lymph nodes.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack...

but slower, and crabby, I am told! I cannot believe the outpouring of love and friendship for me...I didn't know that BFF Friday Nite Fites drove all that way and I didn't get to see her. Also that MS from Awana came for 1.5 hours (probably heard my entire life story from my mom), and that BFF Aibrean was there and BFF Needa, who helped me laugh away nerves. And Dad and the nurse and I talked football, forEVER.

Honestly, this is easier than childbirth. It's sore, like heavy duty muscle soreness, but I could brush my own hair and get out of bed, etc. The physical therapist had lots of good exercises and advice, that is completely opposite of a lot of things I read on the web--like: "sleep in a recliner for a month".

I'm pretty tired--I didn't even want to talk today--you know that's tired for me. I watched parts of Enchanted on tv last night but didn't see the end...bummer. I have lots of pretty presents and for my birthday tomorrow, Handyman will put my little nameplate on the back of the saddle I got to buy this summer. I've saved that little nameplate from the saddle I sold when #1 was a baby. I told him I'd get another one, and by golly he found it for me. I'll try to post a picture.

So, I want to have a party where all you lovely people get to come and be together where I can hug each of you (when I get back to hugging--right now I'm doing that knuckle-knock thing). LOVE, LOVE to ALL of YOU!

I've got tears in my eyes and big overstuffed men's wallets in my chest, and I'm gonna be 45 tomorrow. But you know what, I get to be 45 and I'm gonna be 46 and 47 and 48 and keep on going and never look back. And it's because of all of you that I smile and laugh and keep on keeping on...

LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!

I'm thankful!

...for so many friends who have written, called, brought things. I even got a lovely present from my health insurance agent, who wants to come over and pray for me, laying hands on me! Isn't that sweet? She sent me an angel sculpture and the angel is clutching a book to her chest. It is so darling.

I'm thankful for my family who is bending over backwards trying to do everything they possibly can for me. I'm having to beat them back with a stick--what a comfort. My grandma came from 8 hrs. away to help watch girls and give moral support. My aunt is here, cooking and loving on everyone and holding down the fort. I have other friends driving girls here and there and dying to bring food.

I am thankful that I am not having a knee replaced or open-heart surgery. I am thankful that I have been told to shower 68 times with abrasive soap to cleanse myself of every-known organism, to the point that my finger tips are cracking open!

I am thankful that I am getting possibly the city's best plastic surgeon, FOR FREE!
I am thankful for all the info posted by ladies who have been-here-done-this on BC bulletin boards across the web. I've learned several important things and now I'll be able to add my 2 cents to help someone else.

Am I nervous? Yeah, sure. Probably less nervous than I would be if I had to donate a kidney to one of my kids tomorrow. Boobs? Used 'em. Done with that. Wouldn't mind a better set, really. Free? I get to live longer and look better?? Cool. sign me up.

I'm thankful that I missed some mammograms and so I needed a 6-month check back. Otherwise it'd be next March before they'd be seeing this thing. I'm thankful that the techs at the biopsy went and got the doctor when they couldn't find it. She didn't have any trouble. I'm thankful that the doctor was a horse person, so I had something interesting to talk about while I was being "spear-fished".

I'm thankful to scoop poop. I'll miss that for the next several months. I'm thankful for furry kissable horses that take my mind off everything. I'm thankful for sweater vest season. I'm thankful that Christmas is coming. I'm thankful for health insurance.

Gotta go shower, AGAIN. Check in with Needer tomorrow at this blog
for updates. (Probably not until after 5pm.)

Boobs Away!! :)

How curious are you?

I am posting a link to a site that has been a big help to me. I am COMPLETELY visual. That's why there are things sitting everywhere in my house. If I don't see it, I have trouble remembering it or what I wanted to do with it. Poor Handyman.

Anyway, this is a very simple site that shows images of the young woman from post-surgery to completion of her expanders to replacement with implants. Her story took much longer than mine. She didn't put in the expanders until after she was healed from the original mastectomy. I'm doing the express version.

But at least you'll be able to see what's about to happen. I've read that the expanders are like a man's overstuffed wallet. They appear to have some squarishness to them. Thank heavens for sweater season! Handyman says he doesn't want me to end up looking like Susan Lucci, who you can see a "lot" of on Dancing With the Stars.

I have way too much yard mowing to end up like that! ;)

Here's the link: Graphic images--presented well.

Concessions to the big-C

Although I am still in a large amount of denial over this whole thing--that'll end some time on Monday night--I am beginning to make some concessions to the big "C". Like, I am spending $5.69 a gallon for organic milk for my kids. I have all but eliminated milk-to-drink from my diet, except for Starbucks frappucino milk. I have cut back on cheese, a lot, but cheese is one of my reasons for living. All this dairy avoidance due to the estrogen-like hormones being jammed into dairy cows to keep their production at insane-maximum levels. There's just no way that some of that isn't getting through to the milk. China/Japan have like 1/10 of our breast cancer rates...some of that is probably low diagnosis, but they don't eat dairy over there, period. They think we are crazy for drinking milk meant for baby animals that need to gain 2+ lbs. per day. Sooo, what can it hurt me? (Please don't forget that most hormonally-soaked dairy cows end their over-milked lives as fast food burger, and school lunch burger--avoid at all costs.)

Also, I am not using deodorant very regularly. Some of you may have noticed this...hopefully not. There's talk about aluminums in deodorant. Hmmm, deodorant goes near the breast, a lot. What harm can this do?? Handyman smells way worse than me most of the time and I've been hanging out close to him for almost 2 decades. You people will just have to toughen up, I guess.

I am not haranguing my kids about schoolwork this week. They'll all fail this semester and have to start over, I guess. Whatever, not worth it this week.

I have been enjoying every forkful of manure I have hefted this week, knowing that I won't be doing it for awhile. Honestly. I like hefting poop. It's a spiritual thing for me. I am appreciative of lifting, and pulling, and pushing and dragging. I will not overlook these important actions again.

Well, I'm off to lather, lather, lather in all the important places. This will be the best I've smelled since high school!

My friend Needa, will be posting for you all on Monday, Tuesday and until I return. Here's a link to her blog, but don't look there until Monday pm.

You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your

cousins! My cousin CK, whose diapers I changed when I was 14 years old, turned into a terrific woman who has a fabulous orange-haired family. She scoured her friends, searching for someone who has been "in my shoes" to give me some one-on-one support and it took about 15 minutes or so, for someone to turn up!

CK's friend, Lisa, works with a woman named Dara who was more than happy to talk/email to me about her situation--and what an encouragement it has been for me! Dara is in the midst of her reconstruction, which she began a year after her dbl. mastectomy. She had 14 lymph nodes taken out, but no chemo, no radiation and no cancer left! She was very encouraging on a lot of levels and said I can call anytime.

I got the giant packet of info from the plastic surgeon, along with the instructions that I need to be "marked" on Monday morning at 9am. I also got a certificate for a free facial and analysis at the plastic surgeon's office anytime in the next 6 months. I sent the plastic surgeon a heartfelt thank-you note today, expressing my complete and utter beholdance to her for the rest of my life. I did hold off on offering to clean her office or something--didn't want her to think I was a stalker!

Did I mention that I have to bathe twice a day on Fri, Sat and Sun with anti-bacterial soap, leaving the suds on for 5 minutes? The plastic surgeon said something like 70% or more infections are brought in on the patient, so she wants me clean, clean, clean. I guess it's a good thing that I scrubbed out the water tanks today before the rain...

I will be posting a link to a friend's blog, where she will update on Monday as she gets word on my surgery, etc. That way you can just check in.

For those of you worrying about me or my surgery, or my recovery, etc., I wanted to remind you of the low level of my duress, at this point. Here's someone who has/is really going through something: check this out.