PCMLC

...stands for Post-Cancer Mid-life Crisis...and I'm having one. And it isn't for a sports car...



and I haven't written about it because I feel guilty for doing it, and now I can't really get out of it, quickly. Every day I struggle with what I have done and I put off doing laundry a little longer and I leave the stacks of paper on my desk and I just go again and again, to the barn...

...and write another check, for some hoof supplement or some new body sponge (for him), and it's pretty fun, except for the guilt.

I am very well. My hair is very housewifey and getting a little bushy. My eyebrows are wimpy and my big toenails are almost completely grown out. The only procedure I have left to do is tatooing (ugh--I cannot believe it). I am all back together. But, another, younger woman I know, who was diagnosed while pregnant (!!!), had chemo while preggers, delivered, had radiation and then surgery, found a brain tumor.

The day I read that on her Caring Bridge update, I started looking for a horse. I almost yelled to my husband, from the office computer, "That's it--I'm getting a horse!" I felt frightened and sickened and spurred to action--I'd better get on with whatever's on my bucket list because I just don't know how long I've got--none of us knows.

So, the horse market being what it is--I found a horse, and a terrific prospect to boot. So I drove 6 hours to see him for an hour and six hours back. And she had brain surgery. And my horse was delivered to my barn, and I paid $1 for him.

And she had weakness in one of her hands and was feeling better and went in for a follow-up, which included a body scan, I guess and they found tumors in one lung and on her pelvic bone. And she has three little children.

And my horse, is being trained by my long-time friend the professional trainer, who says he is doing great. And almost every day, after I feel really guilty about how much this costs Handyman, I brush off that silly, unnecessary horse and pet his nose and look forward to getting on him myself.

One of my favorite baldies...

I've gotten over the anger of being bald. I've gotten over the whole idea of being bald. I can feel the wind blow through my less-than-full peach fuzz (which isn't peach). While an enjoyable sensation, it still brings a little mourning with it.

I don't remember not to scratch my head vigorously until it's too late. I don't remember not to wring out my pony tail in the shower, even after all this time. And I anxiously await my new growth. The bank teller taking my house payment yesterday had beautiful gray hair. While I'm sure it would be a big adjustment to see myself with a full head of gray hair, I'll just be glad to see myself with a full head of hair, period.

I went outdoors yesterday without wig or hat. Just sunglasses. Handyman was taken aback for a moment. We realized it was a "first". First bald day of the season. I glanced at myself in the window of the car.

Since #1 has had strep throat all weekend, we have watched 963 episodes of Star Trek:Next Generation. (Thankfully, season three.) I remembered that there are bald people I really enjoy seeing.



I told the girls about how when I first saw Jean-Luc Picard, I was appalled that they would cast a bald man as captain of the Enterprise. I was disappointed! How could a bald man be masculine enough to carry off such a role? But I was interested in the series enough to stick with it, even so.

And what did I learn? How lacking in taste I could be. Bald is beautiful, Baby!

My command for my hair? "Engage!"

It was so fun!

TO and SP went out to eat with me on Monday night and I stuffed myself. We had a great time and laughed, really loud, on the way out as we discussed hair falling out and husbands! Very, very fun and worthwhile. Probably killed off dozens of cancer cells just laughing that hard--not that I have any left...

I had a dream last night that my hair came off in a big handful from the back of my head and I started crying, a lot. I was surprised that I was crying, because we have been preparing ourselves for this. Talking about it; laughing about it; counting down the days, etc. So I was surprised that I was crying.

Then I woke up. Then I drove the 4 million miles to this wig store that is supposed to have great customer service and be so wonderful. Lucky (not really luck--PTL) for me, it is right by DF's house and I don't ever get to see her enough, so I could combine the two. I left the piano tuner with Handyman and the chilluns and headed out for the trek.

The wig place was in this little house down south and it was sooooooooo nice! I can't even tell you. Both ladies were absolutely terrific and sweet and friendly and kind--like aunts that you'd want to visit, often. The place was cute and clean and wonderfully cozy.

Patty, the nice lady that helped me, said she thought I should try a little Katie Holmes cut, which was hysterical (God, again) because that is just what I had been thinking I wanted! How funny is that?? We tried on a couple, with a little cap, since the hair is just hanging on by its most miniscule grip. (It looks icky, greasy and flat, but I didn't want to wash it all out before the ladies could see what color it is/was.) The style I liked, they did not have in the color we decided would be best. It will be very close to the color I have naturally now (which I think is too dark), but it has some highlights on top to warm it up. I didn't want to pick a radically different color, because that would be sure to draw comments and rubber-necking (because I'm so darn attractive!).

Those ladies were awesome! I'll post the pics later. It'll arrive to them next Wednesday and we need to trim the bangs on it a little, so I'll probably go down there on Thursday to get it. It was so cute, I'm actually considering buying the lighter shade of the same hair for later in the spring, so I don't look like a cancer victim at Easter!

Let me know what you think--Remember, mine will be darker with subtle highlights on top. #1 thinks I look like TO, she loved it! The back is very cute and the sides can be tucked behind my ear, or swing forward a little on my cheeks. This picture looks a little more boring than I thought it looked in real life...we'll see next week!


How about all those cuties behind me?? (Just like God to make me look better during chemo than I did before!)

Gotta feed horses and then head off for Awana. Chemo in the a.m., then birthday slumber party on Friday night. Then Handyman and I are going to try to go see Quantum of Solace on Saturday! Thanks for all the positive vibes and mostly, your prayers, which have availed much.

Here we go!

Chugging up that dark Space Mountain hill that is...Space Mountain, the dark roller coaster at Disneyworld begins by the slow ascent through "NASA Space Command", the only lighted area until you disembark. Behind the glass windows are the mannequin space controllers and the top of the hill is, well, dark. Who knows what waits beyond?? That's me.

But first, here's my hair: The back--with the ponytail that AC saved so Handyman could tuck it into his pillow and pet it if he wants. (There was more hair than that, she just cut that first, leaving her a generous length to work with.) How about those waves!



And, here's the front:



Pretty cute, I think! At the dinner table, #1 told me I could pass for 30!! And #2 said I looked like a teenager from the 70's. (This was said in complimentary fashion.) I told her I WAS a teenager in the 70's. When we got to Awana, people were falling all over themselves telling me that it looked great--most of them not knowing the reason I got it cut. I kept wanting to say, "Well, love it while you can!" Even men noticed. I guess I must have looked pretty old and haggard before!!

When we got home from dropping off the kids (separately), Handyman had a little surprise for me: Ben & Jerry's CHUBBY HUBBY! I don't think I've had Chubby Hubby in 5 years or more. I didn't even know they still made it! We ate it straight from the tub, on our bed while we watched Ocean's 12. That was a fun movie and I already have Oceans 13 sitting on the armoire, ready to go (from the library). We signed up for Netflix yesterday morning.

I honestly am not scared. I usually respond well to medicine, so I am hoping to soak up all the anti-nausea meds they offer and just muddle through. Handyman is taking me because they require you to bring someone the first time. I can't make him sit there for three hours though, because he has stall mats to work on--tee hee! So, Needa is going to come over towards the end time and bring me home. Plus she wants to borrow my Bill O'Reilly book for her drive to NY.

We had a great meal from SR last night, a baked ziti dish that was enough for two meals. It was great to have ready before leaving for Awana. #1 is going to school with her best bud all day today. This is the first time she has gone to school since Kindergarten. I hope she can write off some school-related myths she's been carrying around forever.

All three princesses will be getting together at Mimi & Papa's tonight to watch their tivo'd Dancing With the Stars results night and barring any serious worshipping of the porcelain god here at home, they'll all be in their own beds tonight. I'm pretty sure that chemo is also an innoculation against all future zits, cold sores, hemmorhoids, warts, bunions and ingrown toenails...at least it should be, in my book.

Thanks again for all the prayers and heartfelt goodwishes. Thanks to the Lord for chemo! Cheers!

How curious are you?

I am posting a link to a site that has been a big help to me. I am COMPLETELY visual. That's why there are things sitting everywhere in my house. If I don't see it, I have trouble remembering it or what I wanted to do with it. Poor Handyman.

Anyway, this is a very simple site that shows images of the young woman from post-surgery to completion of her expanders to replacement with implants. Her story took much longer than mine. She didn't put in the expanders until after she was healed from the original mastectomy. I'm doing the express version.

But at least you'll be able to see what's about to happen. I've read that the expanders are like a man's overstuffed wallet. They appear to have some squarishness to them. Thank heavens for sweater season! Handyman says he doesn't want me to end up looking like Susan Lucci, who you can see a "lot" of on Dancing With the Stars.

I have way too much yard mowing to end up like that! ;)

Here's the link: Graphic images--presented well.