Back to square two

I bought this beauty (above) on the day I had my biopsy done. It was a wonderful "garage sale" at the local, country church. I went there that afternoon with #2 and got some great buys as varied as new shoes and a corner water bucket for the barn, oh, and a shell necklace. I saw this across the room and really, really wanted it. It looked hardly used and so vibrant. I love the black ones and was sure I couldn't spare the money to buy it. When I found the price tag, I was so excited--$3.50!! Can you believe that? I knew some wonderful person had spent hours and hours making it, just to sell it for $3.50. I was thrilled to snatch it up and thought to myself, if I have cancer, this will be my special blanket. I can't look at it without being happy. It is sooooooo beautiful. Well, I have a cancer, which will be vacating soon, and I will never regret "splurging" for $3.50. It will always remind me of the beginning of this journey, in a good way.

So, all the great story I was going to tell about the wonderful plastic surgeon, with the terrific referrals, etc. is for naught. After having my paperwork for a week, and me for three hours in the office and then another week to "think about it" or something, her office figured out that they are not in my network--duh. I am already formulating the letter I will send when/if I get a bill for the "consultation". When your deductible is into the five-figures, I am not going to offer to pay for that kind of a clerical error. Hopefully, they will choose to eat it and not even send me anything. I'll let you know.

So, rather than wait until Novemer 20, I am going with the surgeon who can get me done on 10/28. Choosing a surgeon based on date is a little disconcerting. Sometimes a lot disconcerting, but I really don't feel like diddling around much longer. Trust is an interesting concept...the surgeon's office says this plastic surgeon is a "complete perfectionist". She is my age, was in the Air Force, so--okay, let's do it. I don't know!

I have had multiple moments of thinking of not doing reconstruction now, at all. Waiting for next year or something. But I really don't want to get all healed up and then start again, although the recon would be much less, I think. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

Then when reading some breast cancer blogs, from a blog roll somewhere, I click on one about "Jane" or somebody and the most recent post from January is from the husband, saying that "Jane" passed away peacefully, yada yada!! Yikes--that threw me for a loop for the rest of that day. This is where denial and compartmentalization come in handy.

Church was terrific again today...about the life of Amy Carmichael, who I was somewhat familiar with. Very encouraging about not being in charge of what happens to your life; certainly learning that.

I don't know if I have said it here, but I know I have told some people that cancer has already made me a better person. That is my continuing plan...

Gotta go live some life...