My hair

Can I say right up front, that having hair is G-R-E-A-T. I am soooooooooo thankful to have hair, to have eyebrows and, well, hair. It's also a great source of entertainment, humor and annoyance. And I hate that I'm annoyed with the gift that I longed for...and I hate that I am in any way less than ecstatic that I have it. Does this make any sense at all??

My hair is now just a little past the "cute" stage. It has slipped easily into the pixie Peter Pan stage, with a hint of curl and bangs, if you can call them that, that remind a certain generation of Mamie Eisenhower. (Never seen her.)

Because there is about a foot-and-a-half of hair missing from the back of my head, there is plenty of waggle in the little sprouts. It's cute and, truthfully, it's REALLY, REALLY easy to deal with.


But, and it's a big BUT for me, it's boyish. And here's where I continue to remind myself that way too much of my vanity is/was wrapped up in my hair. I'm reminded of that episode of Designing Women where Annie Potts gets some falsies to try out, before she commits to an augmentation. And she gets intoxicated with the power she feels from being well-endowed. And she gets assertive and aggressive and she likes it.


I can feel a little of that, with long hair. Even if it isn't blonde.

Good, bad or indifferent, I liked it.

My hair is a little overripe on the pixie cut now and is having a hint of the overgrown shrubbery look on the top. And that little bit of wave is making it a lot of unruly, so most days I am found with a ballcap on. Thank heavens Handyman has a LOT of cool ballcaps, and I was already a ballcap wearer, albeit with a big honkin' ponytail hanging out the back.


Am I glad to have hair, any hair? Absolutely. But to me, it almost doesn't qualify if you can't put a rubber band around it!

Wilkommen and sayonara

Lots going on around here--let me just say that when I have been whining and wishing for hair, I did not intend for hair to return to MY UPPER LIP! I think you should get to avoid that forever once you have had parts of your body removed/replaced. There is hair on my head. Each of my children have commented on it separately. It mostly looks colorless, although that cannot be the complete truth, since I notice a "five o'clock shadow"ishness to the top of my head. And today, before church, I swear it looked a little "spotty" for lack of a better term. I've been afraid to look since then.

And there is hair on my legs and I still have a numb armpit, which makes shaving a daredevil activity!

My fingernails, on the other hand, seem to be going the way of the dodo. More and more of them are "letting go" as it were. Lifting themselves off and taking on a yellowish hue. Ick. I suppose it didn't help that I washed the pony's tail yesterday with no gloves on. Equine hygiene is high on my list, here.

I have got to get walking now, as exercise was very high on the list of Ways to Avoid Recurrence, in the book I just finished, Anti-Cancer, A New Way of Life. Cutting back on sugar is also big and I will be wrestling with that.

I am so thankful to be mucking my own stalls. I know that's an odd thought, but I think it everyday. I remember asking my surgeon how soon I would be back to my old habits and he promised by the holidays (past). And thankfully, he was right. I can lift and carry and work just like always--WHAT A BLESSING! I know breast surgery has changed so dramatically within my adult lifetime. I'm so glad I got to come in at the better end of that arc.

I will be having my exchange surgery sometime in the next month, I think. Where they replace the soft tissue expanders (that were inserted in my original surgery), with saline or silicone implants. I can't really call them permanent implants, because no implant lasts forever. I hate the thought of having surgery again, but it will be nice to get one more thing out of the way. This is outpatient.

The saline/silicone decision is a big one and I can't seem to find a definitive answer to satisfy me. I'll probably go with saline, although what I've seen makes me nervous, about them being water bags and also "hard". All the implants have silicone outer shells, so no matter what, you are putting silicone inside you. That doesn't worry me too much.

With the silicone implant, a rupture is difficult to determine. Sometimes you have to have an MRI to confirm it. With saline, a rupture is immediately noticeable--a lot like a flat tire on a bike--get the picture. At the surgeon's office they call it a "social emergency". Great.

No matter what, they'll never be as good as nature. And you know what, I miss the old ones. They weren't perfect, that's for sure, but they had some "life" to them. They squished and were comfortable. I've even had to learn to sleep differently, because these babies don't move, even a little. The good part is that stairs and running are no problem.

Being the bionic woman has its trade-offs, just like anything else.

One of my favorite baldies...

I've gotten over the anger of being bald. I've gotten over the whole idea of being bald. I can feel the wind blow through my less-than-full peach fuzz (which isn't peach). While an enjoyable sensation, it still brings a little mourning with it.

I don't remember not to scratch my head vigorously until it's too late. I don't remember not to wring out my pony tail in the shower, even after all this time. And I anxiously await my new growth. The bank teller taking my house payment yesterday had beautiful gray hair. While I'm sure it would be a big adjustment to see myself with a full head of gray hair, I'll just be glad to see myself with a full head of hair, period.

I went outdoors yesterday without wig or hat. Just sunglasses. Handyman was taken aback for a moment. We realized it was a "first". First bald day of the season. I glanced at myself in the window of the car.

Since #1 has had strep throat all weekend, we have watched 963 episodes of Star Trek:Next Generation. (Thankfully, season three.) I remembered that there are bald people I really enjoy seeing.



I told the girls about how when I first saw Jean-Luc Picard, I was appalled that they would cast a bald man as captain of the Enterprise. I was disappointed! How could a bald man be masculine enough to carry off such a role? But I was interested in the series enough to stick with it, even so.

And what did I learn? How lacking in taste I could be. Bald is beautiful, Baby!

My command for my hair? "Engage!"

glacial change

That title does not mean that I do not appreciate my situation. I feel great, absolutely 100% me--which means tired. My hair is truly growing. But it will be a long time until anyone can appreciate it besides me.

My fingernails continue to entertain and embarrass me. The original "smashed" marks on four of them are growing out ever so slowly. And now you can see they all look yellowed and ridge-y. The index fingernail on my left hand is detached to about halfway down. And now there is dirt under the nail, halfway down, where even dental floss can't reach it. Yuck. It's sort of a silt line. Very appetizing at dinner or when meeting new people.

Today I notice that the thumbnail on that hand also has what looks like a little air bubble underneath it. That is how the index fingernail situation started out. I'm wondering if it too is going to give up the ghost. Frankly, I'm okay with that. It is a continuous reminder that the meds did their job and now they are done. As these nails grow out and get trimmed away, I will be emerging from my old shell too.

Hopefully with hair!

Taking inventory

I am late in posting this picture from Christmas week. From the left, there's me with my "hair", then Needa who lunched with me at chemo (and makes the best chicken pot pie), then LD, who knitted umpteen awesome hats for me way down in TX, and KS, who coordinated all the meals you brought us and she drove me to the hospital to have #3 (oh and helped Needa and my other buds paint my kitchen the same day.) Merry Christmas!

Today is the day after Day 14--the official day when my white-cell blood count should start heading back to normal. Of course, #3 played with a "coughing girl" at Awana, it was reported to me. And of course, #3 now has a runny/stuffy nose...so we'll see. But even if, I think we'll conquer it.

That being said, here's the current situation: No hair, but lots of little pricklies--that don't hurt anymore. They're not new. They're what refused to go! Here's to the tough hair that hung in there, no matter what! Yea tough hair!

My fingertips are all touchy. Like each one has been tapped well with a hammer. I'll be glad for this one to go. Fingernails are tough and cracky.

Tongue seems to be on the mend. I gorged myself at my mother's last night on lasagna and garlic bread and halibut dip and cocktail weenies and a great salad brought by Aibrean with goat cheese and cashews and craisins and sliced pear--good heavens--I'll have to post that recipe. Also, salsa tasted tomato-y to me yesterday at lunchtime. That was a shocker. Maybe I won't have to keep drinking limeade.

My right eye twitches all the time--how that is related to chemo, I don't know but it never did it before and has done it consistently throughout.

My GI system is not totally itself yet either, but definitely tolerable.

So far everyone, to a person, loves my "hair". Everyone says I look way younger. Okay, so I looked haggard and aged before. And I always thought a pony tail took off ten years--might have to rethink this.

So today's poll is...what color do you think my hair will be when it comes back??

LAST CHEMO TOMORROW!

Yippee! I saw the nurse at the plastic surgeon today...she removed the steri strips from the little surgery on New Year's Eve. No more blue blob!

Got several compliments on my "hair" from people who don't know. So hilarious! I want to say, "you can buy one too!"

Needa is having lunch with me at chemo tomorrow--I don't think they'll let us bring sparklers or anything, though. I had brunch here this morning with SP and TO. TO brought me a big meal of enchiladas for tomorrow night or Saturday, to feed poor Handyman. SP is keeping all the womenfolk while I go tomorrow.

My parental units have fed me several times this week, just out of charity. I'm feeling great. #1 is going off to middle school on Monday, so I have to get up to drive her to that. Life is changin' all over the place...

Benefits of having no hair

1. mustache has fallen out as well
2. of course, no shaving of legs or armpits!
3. getting ready takes NO time
4. shower is really fast
5. only one towel necessary for shower
6. "Hair" looks pretty good all the time


Disadvantages of having no hair

1. can't wear wig under hats to barn, so "hair" must be removed before going out
2. can't wear wig while doing intensive cooking/baking
3. stubbly head can be uncomfortable on pillow
4. seeing bald head in mirror is very irritating
5. wig feels somewhat hat-like, have to remember not to take it off when arriving somewhere!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack...and balder than ever!

Okay, that's not really me...she has more hair.

I took an extended holiday break and am back in the saddle again. Okay, I wish I was back in a saddle again. I had my third chemo last Friday (1/2), dragged through the weekend, which included the Indianapolis Colts pulling up lame in overtime and limping back to their stable on the west side. Although the Colts are done for the season, I am rebounding much more successfully than they. I feel pretty well back to my old self now, PTL.

That means I have one more treatment and I'm D-O-N-E. Fine with me. I love my wig. It is warm and mostly comfortable. I am OVER being bald. I get irritated when I pass the bathroom mirror in the morning and see that I am, still bald. I continue to be surprised by it, actually. I suppose you don't get quickly over an entire lifetime of viewing yourself WITH hair. I am glad I had it shaved off and I'm a teensy bit proud that there is still hair on most of my head, albeit stubbly, little blackish hair. I am thrilled that all the hair on my legs fell out! LOL!

I have been careful to remember the warnings of the precious wig ladies, "Stay away from hot ovens and steaming pots!" This has made cooking very entertaining for the kids as I dash around the kitchen flinging my wig onto chair posts so I can lean into the oven to check the cake or whatnot! Then there was #1 leaning in the front door and yelling, "Mom! Grandma is here--put on your hair!"

Sleeping on stubble is a little challenging. I have not struggled with being cold at night, but stubble pokes back as it's wiggled around on the pillow...and I'm surprised at how gently you can scratch your scalp and get the job done. I cannot quit trying to wring out my ponytail in the shower. My hands just automatically go there and do that! But getting ready is a complete breeze. #1 even said she wanted to shave her head and wear a wig because "Mom's hair always looks great!" It's great to have some good memories of this time.

The only "down" thing that is going on is that my fingertips are more sensitive. It has to do with my fingernails, I'm sure. They are not growing and feel very thick and odd. They don't look weird, but I can't use them to pry things open, etc. Then I pinched one in the chicken gate this morning and thought I would cry!

My taste continues to be DULL with a capital Duh...which could be bad as I have a desire to keep eating things, thinking it will make them taste better. A friend bought me several boxes of Altoids as a treat, on the tip of a BC survivor who remembered the tasteless days of chemo. The Altoids are a treat for me, although they taste about like Dentyne--but even that is a treat.

Still have never told my FIL about my diagnosis or surgery, at all. Over Christmas we were all gathered at my parents' house and he looked at me and said, "I still can't get used to your hair." I just laughed and said, "Neither can I!"

Thanks everyone again for your prayers and good wishes. I got one of my favorite things on Christmas Eve--a seed catalog! It'll keep me dreaming through these last few weeks of yuck.

All is not lost!

I'm improving each day--even went out with Handyman for some retail therapy last night at Costco! The hideous hair watch gets more grizzly each day...can't wait to get the wig tomorrow.

The upshot is that the Tribble hat is terrific for indoor wear! It doesn't cover my ears and lays on top like a little cat! I feel crowned.

I am able to enjoy spicy nacho Doritos as opposed to plain ole and I could tell that our salsa from Costco was spicy. Tardy thanks to Survivormom who sent the Turtle Cheesecake with DF on Saturday. We are still enjoying it!

Ack! The wig ladies (who I love!) just called to say my wig is in, but they're both out tomorrow for emergencies and if I want them to trim it for me, I'll have to wait until FRIDAY! You know what that means?? #1 wants to use the hot glue gun to glue bangs into all my hats, just in case...

Perfect description

I did take shower today but didn't shampoo my hairs. I dampened them a little and watched a lot of them flow down the drain, but I couldn't take the big plunge before the slumber party tonight.

As I was delivering #3 to a playdate, in my black hat the mom just knitted for me, I recognized myself in the rearview mirror...I have become------ Mr. Collins!!



I couldn't find any pictures with the greasy bangs plastered to his forehead, but that would be exactly me...

Chemo went well...

Hey all--thanks for all your thoughts and prayers--Chemo #2 went smoothly. Needa brought me my favorite lunch (Qdoba), since Handyman was off-site. Kids all went with Mimi and Papa to the Children's Museum and a good time was had by all.

My onco-type test came back with a predicted recurrence rate of 12%. That is on the low end of the medium rate. My chemo will reduce that amount by 40%, so it would be about 8%. Then taking Tamoxifen after chemo will reduce that remaining rate by about 18%, which would take me to about 6.6ish%. That would seem to be about as good a rate as anybody walking down the street, or maybe less. I was glad to hear it and am thankful for how far chemo has come in the last decade.

I left chemo, came home, turned out horses, let out dogs, back in car to the bank, post office, grocery and feed store. So much for taking it easy. Then Mimi and Papa and kids rolled back in for #2's first birthday dinner. I had forgotten to mash potatoes (thank God for pressure cooker), or bake the cake! So #2 baked her own cake and we had a nice dinner.

Mom had to help clean up the kitchen from Hades, again. But we got to do it together and catch upon extended family information.

Stream-of-conciousness conversation at our dinner table: Spiderwoman is NOT related to Spiderman in any way, and wears VERY tight garments; SpiderGIRL is the offspring of Spiderman and Mary Jane; #1 did Mendel's genetic trait grid plotting in biology; Henry VIII beheaded his wives for failing to produce a male heir, but it is the male parent who determines the sex of the child; My cousin met a new significant other on the internet who is a successful published author; Julianne Hough has 9 siblings, they're called the "Blosmonds" (blonde/Osmond) because of their Mormon faith and large family; Somebody tooted in the car on the way to Children's Museum and we had to put all the windows down;

Your basic day at Netherfield--glad I am here for it.

Hair watch: If I showered, it would be gone. But I don't want to bare it all for the slumber party--icky hair--thank goodness for my hat stash.

It was so fun!

TO and SP went out to eat with me on Monday night and I stuffed myself. We had a great time and laughed, really loud, on the way out as we discussed hair falling out and husbands! Very, very fun and worthwhile. Probably killed off dozens of cancer cells just laughing that hard--not that I have any left...

I had a dream last night that my hair came off in a big handful from the back of my head and I started crying, a lot. I was surprised that I was crying, because we have been preparing ourselves for this. Talking about it; laughing about it; counting down the days, etc. So I was surprised that I was crying.

Then I woke up. Then I drove the 4 million miles to this wig store that is supposed to have great customer service and be so wonderful. Lucky (not really luck--PTL) for me, it is right by DF's house and I don't ever get to see her enough, so I could combine the two. I left the piano tuner with Handyman and the chilluns and headed out for the trek.

The wig place was in this little house down south and it was sooooooooo nice! I can't even tell you. Both ladies were absolutely terrific and sweet and friendly and kind--like aunts that you'd want to visit, often. The place was cute and clean and wonderfully cozy.

Patty, the nice lady that helped me, said she thought I should try a little Katie Holmes cut, which was hysterical (God, again) because that is just what I had been thinking I wanted! How funny is that?? We tried on a couple, with a little cap, since the hair is just hanging on by its most miniscule grip. (It looks icky, greasy and flat, but I didn't want to wash it all out before the ladies could see what color it is/was.) The style I liked, they did not have in the color we decided would be best. It will be very close to the color I have naturally now (which I think is too dark), but it has some highlights on top to warm it up. I didn't want to pick a radically different color, because that would be sure to draw comments and rubber-necking (because I'm so darn attractive!).

Those ladies were awesome! I'll post the pics later. It'll arrive to them next Wednesday and we need to trim the bangs on it a little, so I'll probably go down there on Thursday to get it. It was so cute, I'm actually considering buying the lighter shade of the same hair for later in the spring, so I don't look like a cancer victim at Easter!

Let me know what you think--Remember, mine will be darker with subtle highlights on top. #1 thinks I look like TO, she loved it! The back is very cute and the sides can be tucked behind my ear, or swing forward a little on my cheeks. This picture looks a little more boring than I thought it looked in real life...we'll see next week!


How about all those cuties behind me?? (Just like God to make me look better during chemo than I did before!)

Gotta feed horses and then head off for Awana. Chemo in the a.m., then birthday slumber party on Friday night. Then Handyman and I are going to try to go see Quantum of Solace on Saturday! Thanks for all the positive vibes and mostly, your prayers, which have availed much.

My hair hurts

Another lovely hat came in from TX yesterday. At this rate, I'll have one for each day I'm hairless!! Also, one of my table leaders from Awana (I'm the Kindergarten room leader), sent me a frozen casserole for dinner! And she's the one I just met a few weeks ago. Very, very thoughtful.

My new hat is a variegated green, to match my Patagucci green fleece jacket. It is made from baby alpaca wool and is very, very soft. LD told me her cat would not leave this yarn alone while she was knitting. It fits perfectly, again. I'll try to get a picture up of it soon. Handyman wanted to know how many baby alpacas had to give their lives for me to have that hat?!?

I should have taken a picture of myself last night. AC, my hairdresser for life, did a terrific job whacking my hair down to boy-length. It actually looked terrific, although it is #1's worst nightmare--she says it is exactly like her biology teacher's hair. So now, she can't escape any thought of biology! (Although she really does like the teacher.)

Anyway, the haircut is terrific, although it is very short, especially in back. When I woke up this morning, it was all standing straight up on the top of my head. I am not kidding. I looked like that red-haired circus guy from Barnum & Bailey. It was amazing. When I got back into bed after doing all the morning animal chores, it hurt to lay my head on the pillow. I actually said, "ow" out loud. If I scooted on the pillow it hurt.

For those of you who have never had a pony tail, you probably can't relate. It's the "hair hurt" you get after having your hair pulled tightly into a style for a long while and then you un-do it. Only this doesn't stop hurting. It hurt to brush it down into place. Then I put a baseball hat on, to get everyone used to seeing me in one and it hurts, a lot, to shift the hat on my head. It hurts for about 10 minutes after I move the hat, at all.

Very weird. I guess the little hairs are just hanging on by their itty bitty roots and don't like to be messed with. Oh, well. It'll be gone soon. And AC tells me I'll have lots of different hair do's to come as it grows back in next spring.

Let's just hope it comes back in a familiar color....

Bras

I realized last night that I hadn't really filled you in on the whole bra situation. Up until last weekend, I was wearing what I endearingly referred to as the "Frau Blucher" bra. I wore this 24/7 from the date of surgery until last week, except for showering.

Fortunately for me (?), my 84-year old grandma from WVA brought her Frau Bluchers with her from her mastectomy 8 years ago! And you know what, they worked! Now, she's about 4'11" and 150 lbs. I'm 5'6" and 135. But when it comes to Frau Bluchers--size just don't matter. They have heavy, wide velcro in the front and big, non-stretchy velcro adjusted straps. It's a harness. And there's nothing like that family feeling that comes from sharing your bras with your grandma, I think.

So, at long last, the day arrives when they've told me I can sleep WITHOUT a bra! Whooooooo! In the past, that would never have seemed like that big of a deal. Many-a-time have we women folk fallen asleep in a bra and really didn't even notice, that much. But, there's a big difference between one night and THIRTY!

Can I just say that I can totally relate to a workhorse coming in from the field and dying to get that collar off; to roll in the field and work those harness marks away. The only difference is that my harness marks aren't going anywhere.

And therein we discover the great difference between God-created breasts and those made by mere mortals. The mortal-ones don't move. No slippin'. No slidin'. No crashing together in the middle. They're immobile.

Even so, it was great to ditch Frau Blucher for awhile and then even move on to sports bras. Sports bras are great, if you have the upper-body strength of Peyton Manning, to even get them on. For someone with a somewhat incapacitated upper arm movement and strength, it was a battle for the ages. I was afraid someone would find me writhing around on the bathroom floor, both arms locked in the upright position, unable to get the thing past my face, smothered. But, mustering all my resolve to not humiliate myself further, I did manage to get it over "them". They, of course, did not move, even for the sports bra.

It's a lot like dressing a statue.

The bad part is that the little remaining scabby parts are hard and sharp like iron. Combine that with limited feeling in the scabby area and you have some hairy situations--like: "ooh, there's a chunk coming off. I should pull it so it doesn't stab into me later. Why isn't that coming off? Ooooh, it's still attached. Ick! Where is that red stuff coming from?!"

The alternative scenario is this: "Ooooh, there's a chunk coming off. I don't want to pull that off prematurely and make it bleed (like last time, idiot!). I'll just put more neosporin on it and check it later. Twelve hours of numbing sports bra therapy later..."OMGosh! I'm impaled on a piece of scab!"

So goes the body sculpting adventures of a rural housewife. Ooooh, I gotta back off on those stool softeners...

P.S. Handyman is mortified that this has been made public, so please don't mention it to him, EVER...but it's a part of recovery and it helps me to laugh about it. Gross-ness shared is gross-ness reduced, in my mind.

Keep on chugging...

Another awesome dinner from my mom and then from KB; out of the freezer and onto the table. Handyman will have a hot meal when he gets home, that does not involve tortilla chip crumbs.

I am growing accustomed to my taste-weirdness, but I'll relish getting back to the real me--I LOVE lemonade. I did decide that there is no need to mix the stool softeners with Milk of Magnesia in one 24-hour period. Although Sunday was pretty awful, Milk of Magnesia is so horrendous as to make me question which I'd prefer. I wasn't sure I could bring myself to take it again, it was so remiscent of the water left in the wheel barrow after mixing concrete. The inactive ingredient list said: "puffed water"????

Anyway, since I'm not a big Depends fan, I'm going to have to choose one or the other. So now I am taking, anti-nausea(s), Prilosec OTC, and Milk of Spanish Inquisition--only every OTHER day.

#2 is sequestered at my parents with a low fever and malaise. Hoping it isn't the flu, in which case we'll all be separate for the holiday. I had a message that my very first hat is on its way from TX as we speak! LD knitted her fingers to bloody stumps and left her leaves layin' for another weekend to get it done! My mom found out about a great wig place that I will visit next week. I'll take some pictures in different options, for fun.

We got a piano last night--you know, the gifts just keep rolling in...no, Aibrean had already wished her piano to my girls and we brought it up last night. #1 wasted no time, going straight from her bed to the bench this morning, playing throughout the day. Gotta get the tuner lined up SOON! ;)

I cut #3's hair tonight and we laughed about how when Mom has no hair, there won't be any tangles and it won't take any time to get ready! Yea! ;*)

Happy Thanksgiving--love to all of you!!

Here we go!

Chugging up that dark Space Mountain hill that is...Space Mountain, the dark roller coaster at Disneyworld begins by the slow ascent through "NASA Space Command", the only lighted area until you disembark. Behind the glass windows are the mannequin space controllers and the top of the hill is, well, dark. Who knows what waits beyond?? That's me.

But first, here's my hair: The back--with the ponytail that AC saved so Handyman could tuck it into his pillow and pet it if he wants. (There was more hair than that, she just cut that first, leaving her a generous length to work with.) How about those waves!



And, here's the front:



Pretty cute, I think! At the dinner table, #1 told me I could pass for 30!! And #2 said I looked like a teenager from the 70's. (This was said in complimentary fashion.) I told her I WAS a teenager in the 70's. When we got to Awana, people were falling all over themselves telling me that it looked great--most of them not knowing the reason I got it cut. I kept wanting to say, "Well, love it while you can!" Even men noticed. I guess I must have looked pretty old and haggard before!!

When we got home from dropping off the kids (separately), Handyman had a little surprise for me: Ben & Jerry's CHUBBY HUBBY! I don't think I've had Chubby Hubby in 5 years or more. I didn't even know they still made it! We ate it straight from the tub, on our bed while we watched Ocean's 12. That was a fun movie and I already have Oceans 13 sitting on the armoire, ready to go (from the library). We signed up for Netflix yesterday morning.

I honestly am not scared. I usually respond well to medicine, so I am hoping to soak up all the anti-nausea meds they offer and just muddle through. Handyman is taking me because they require you to bring someone the first time. I can't make him sit there for three hours though, because he has stall mats to work on--tee hee! So, Needa is going to come over towards the end time and bring me home. Plus she wants to borrow my Bill O'Reilly book for her drive to NY.

We had a great meal from SR last night, a baked ziti dish that was enough for two meals. It was great to have ready before leaving for Awana. #1 is going to school with her best bud all day today. This is the first time she has gone to school since Kindergarten. I hope she can write off some school-related myths she's been carrying around forever.

All three princesses will be getting together at Mimi & Papa's tonight to watch their tivo'd Dancing With the Stars results night and barring any serious worshipping of the porcelain god here at home, they'll all be in their own beds tonight. I'm pretty sure that chemo is also an innoculation against all future zits, cold sores, hemmorhoids, warts, bunions and ingrown toenails...at least it should be, in my book.

Thanks again for all the prayers and heartfelt goodwishes. Thanks to the Lord for chemo! Cheers!

Odds and Ends

LT asked what part of the costs we are responsible for...we've met our deductible for the year ($5500), between Handyman getting bitten by the cat (ours), #3 falling into the coffee table two days before her birthday and my biopsy/mammos back in September, that put us over the top. In fact, we got a reimbursement check for my post-op medications last week ($73). So, those bills I detailed yesterday are being paid at 100%. After the first of the year, it'll be back on us until we reach $5500.

I actually like this set-up a lot. I used my health savings account to pay for my massage the other day and we use it for dental too. Those are tax-free dollars.

I've gotten some good recommendations regarding chemo (TAKE THE MAXIMUM DOSE OF ANTI-NAUSEA MEDS!) and regarding nutrition during chemo. I got a generous gift card to William-Sonoma from a good friend of my mom's, whom I have never met! I've gotten cards from a mother of a friend, cards from out of state, cards from cousins I haven't seen in years, a card from my college roommate. It is a delight to receive so many. I got two freezer meals from a friend last night.

A friend in Texas has already wacked off her hair in support, and donated it to a wig maker for cancer patients. (Locks of Love makes wigs for children.) She's also making me some hats! Yippee! She says I'll be helping her reduce her yarn stash.

I'll be getting my hair dramatically shortened today and then into some sort of boy-cut in a couple of weeks. My friend AC, (who will be showing her dog at WESTMINSTER in Feb.) keeps cutting my hair for free, because I have promised her daughter 2 million free riding lessons next summer. It is great to have a friend who's a hairdresser!

I'm going to sign up for netflicks this morning, since I keep having to write checks to the library for my late fees. Pathetic, I know. My it's nice that all the library ladies recognize me!

The 4H leader was shocked to see me last night. She didn't think I'd be up and around yet. I told her I've been up and around for weeks--ask my kids. We saw some funny t-shirts in a horse catalog. One said: If Momma's on her horse's back, she ain't on yours. (They want that one.) I want the one that says "Thank God I'm not a twin!" (For #1) There was also one that said "Horsework before Housework" (definitely me).

Better

I was better yesterday. Hopefully it wasn't just the distraction of my friend, CD, who brought me a meal for today! Yea! Handyman graciously doffs his cap again and again to all of you who have contributed so generously to his nutritional needs. He is really over tostito crumbs with cheese melted in the microwave...did I mention that I am way okay with "rut eating"? My dad taught me this by insisting that mom cook in industrial-size batches EVERY meal. That way he could eat the leftovers for several days. And believe me, my mom doesn't throw out anything. You eat and re-save it over and over until there is more mass of green fungi than food.

When I got married, I didn't realize there was any use for smallish pots and pans. Then I learned that Handyman is okay with leftovers and he is frugal, but he is not a rut-eater like us. He doesn't do the "Friday Night Spaghetti" thing, every week the same. And, he has catered food at work. Now that isn't always as excited as you think--sometimes the "caterer" is Papa John's or Jimmie John's or someother John's. But sometimes it's a two-entree choice with vegetable sides and a soup.

ANYWAY--he is VERY thankful to all of you who have made the drive to Netherfield to sustain him. So I got to visit with CD, for the first time in a year and then went to Mom and Dad's for the first real meal I have eaten in a couple days and it was good--meatloaf with mashed potatoes and tomato-soup gravy. Then we watched Dancing With the Stars as is our habit.

#3 ate her meatloaf and her potatoes but mostly ate sweet pickles and olives and then had a big rootbeer float. Then Mom realized that she had forgotten to put out the deviled eggs! So, of course she got those out and #3 had one of those too. By this time I was popping a couple of antacid tablets and here came #3 breathing deviled egg/root beer breath in my face and it was almost too much for me. I told Mom, if I had to clean up puked-up root beer with deviled egg, I was going to kill her! Then, #3 says, "My belly hurts." and I look pointedly at Mom.

Fortunately, her digestive system was up to the strain. Mine is still in recovery mode. I did eat peanut butter toast this morning and in honor of my Gammie, I put butter under the peanut butter, because that's how she did it (and it's GREAT). That's the first morning I've wanted/eaten breakfast in several. So, improvement.

I have also scheduled myself for a 1/2 hour massage next Friday. My neck is kinked something fierce and I'm willing to pay for help. In fact, I may just make it a standing appointment because I can use my health savings account to pay for it! Needa's SIL is a massage therapist, so I have an "in".

So, I don't have to worry about food tonight and there's a chicken pot pie in the freezer for tomorrow after church! And then, there's a smoked chicken for later in the week...thank you Lord for FRIENDS!

Appointment

Okay, the big oncology appointment is next Thursday, I think at 10 am. He asked me whether I wanted to see a man or a woman oncologist, or did I care; and I told him I didn't care if a uterus was involved, I just wanted to see a good one.

So I am set up with a woman oncologist; no word on whether she has a uterus or not. She will order what's called an "onco type" test that involves 21 chromosomal markers (I think that's what he said.) They will compare the arrangement of my 21 markers with many gazillions of others who they have followed to determine if I have a low, moderate or high likelihood of recurrence. That will determine the chemo recommendation.

Oh, and my cancer was 2.7 centimeters, so that pushes me into Stage 2, although all my other things were clear, so I'm what they call a 2A, which means just barely at 2. My other cancer blob next to the biopsy site was only 4mm. And, my cancer is estrogen positive, which is good, because that means they have medicine that works on it. Estrogen negative is very challenging and not very responsive, I guess. He is almost positive I will have to take Tamoxifen which is an anti-estrogen, so I could plunge into menopause--Whooo whee! Whatever--better than bein' dead.

Sounds like more big decisions for me. Maybe I should just wait on someone from the government to tell me what to do...

On the abdominal front, I was miserable all evening last night, watching stupid tv shows, because I didn't even want to read. No wonder our country is going downhill so fast. If most homes have that schlock blaring 18 hrs. a day, I can see why peoples' brains have turned to oatmeal. Anyway, today I am feeling a little better, but usually do in the morning. We'll see what the evening brings. I am going to my folks to watch Dancing With the Stars--my one video weakness. (I saw who got voted off last night while perusing those dumb entertainment shows. Thank the Lord I found a This Old House rerun.)

It was great to take a shower without tubes hanging out of me. But, the blue blob shows no signs of fading. I can tell this abdominal thing is slimming me down, which just gives me more splurge room for the holidays. After all, it's EGG NOG season! Woooo hoooo!

Up and down

Had my visit with the surgeon. He said he'd see me in 6 months and he doesn't know why I have a large blob of blue ink still in a strategic place. He found that pretty weird and promised me it would go away. I'm glad because if I was going to get a tatoo there, it would've been a little fancier.

He promised that my arms would be equally good when I finished healing. He encouraged me to stretch the painful one and not baby it. He doesn't want me to have my armpit aspirated again unless it is worse than it was when I saw him. And I do not think it is worse.

However, I feel sort of yukky. I have achy stomach and some tenderness at the bottom of my sternum. I could not get comfortable last night and ended up chewing two pepto bismol tablets and that settled me down. Then I woke up again at 2 and felt the same and fortunately had two tablets left. My eyes sort of popped open then and I thought, "I wonder if I have an ulcer."

Gee, I don't know--teenage angst ongoing issues (for oh 5 years now), in-law related stress on many topics, including hospitalization this week for my FIL, breast cancer, election trauma and I was on Celebrex for 10 days...can't see why I'd feel too stressed.

Sure enough, I looked it up online--the source of all knowledge--and it seems possible. My symptoms seem to fit. So I'm waiting on a call from the surgeon's nurse to see if they'll just call something in for me to see what'll happen.

My energy is good, other than this yukkiness and election depression. It was great to see all my cousins at the funeral yesterday. Handyman looked so great in his suit and my girls looked really grown up too. We got to see Auntie P., Uncle N. and Grandma from WVA there as well. A bonus for the girls!

My cousin Jules tried to tell Handyman that she read that you should never vacuum once you've been diagnosed with breast cancer--that it is off the list FOR GOOD! I don't think he was buying it. Gotta go, the dust bunnies have lifted the bed off the floor.