Ground Hog day

...in that today I am able to lift my head off the bed and pretend coherency. The whole slumber party-chemo treatment thing was not a good choice, but I have survived it. BFF DF had driven all the way here from Greenwood to deliver a meal in a bottomless crock pot and I could barely sit up at the table with her on Saturday afternoon.

We were able to get everyone into bed at a reasonable time on Saturday night and I arranged a ride to church for #1 and #2, since Handyman got a last-minute gig for Sunday. I managed to put together a decent lunch for everyone after church (fuss-free ravioli and cheese bake) and we even had enough bread to make garlic bread. But after lunch, the mighty Quinn came tumblin' down.

I got back into bed to watch the Colts game and made it to just before half-time with only a little slobber on my chest. I collapsed before the half-time show and woke up to 11 minutes left in the fourth quarter. It wasn't an amazing nap in length, but amazing in that no one even touched the piano or called my name for that entire time. That is truly Holy Spirit-provoked in this house.

When I did wake up enough to sit up, I didn't feel like eating anything but managed to get some almonds and water while I waited for Handyman to get home. I didn't leave the bedroom for any meal or to put anyone to sleep or do animal chores. They did it all and I didn't even see the kick-off to the Cowboys/Giants game, which I had wanted to watch. Didn't know who won until this morning, after 8 am.

I feel much better, just tired now. My taste is really ruined for the moment. Nothing tastes strong at all...not just salty or sour, just no taste. Everything tastes warm and bland and I'm afraid to salt it to the point of liking it, because it seems like my arteries will harden immediately at that salinity concentration. Either that or I'll shrivel up.

There is still hair left. KS dropped off some yummy (so I'm told) beef stew tonight and she was surprised at how much hair is still hanging on. But it comes off in loads when I change clothes, which is pretty irritating. #2 expressed again how she is dreading me losing all my hair,so I am glad I got the wig. #1 has been fascinated with hair loss to the point that I just had to tell her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. It's tougher mentally than surgery, for me. Then I feel shallow for being so "attached" to my hair.

I am just finishing up Hinds' Feet on High Places, which has been very helpful and inspiring. It is a book I have desired to read for many years, actually and just picked up at a little sale at homeschool co-op a couple of months ago. I recognized myself at Chapter 6 "Detour through the Desert":

"Then one day the path turned a corner, and to her consternation and amazement she saw a great plain spread out beneath them. As far as the eye could see there seemed to be nothing but desert, and endless expanse of sand dunes, with not a tree in sight. The only objects breaking the monotony of the desert were strange, towering pyramids, rising above the sand dunes, hoary with age and grimly desolate. To the horror of "Much-Afraid(Netherfieldmom)", her two guides (Sorrow and Suffering) prepared to take the steep path downward.

She stopped dead and said the them, 'We mustn't go down there. The Shepherd had called me to the High Places. We must find some path which goes up, but certainly not down there.' But they made signs to her that she was to follow them down the steep pathway to the desert below.

Much-Afraid/Netherfieldmom looked to left and right, but though it seemed incredible, there was no way possible by which they could continue to climb upward. The hill they were on ended abruptly at this precipice, and the rocky cliffs towered above them in every direction straight as walls with no possible foothold.

'I can't go down there,' panted Much-Afraid (Netherfieldmom), sick with shock and fear. 'He can never mean that--never! He called me up to the High Places, and this is an absolute contradiction of all that He promised.' She then lifted up her voice and called desperately, 'Shepherd, come to me. Oh, I need you. Come and help me.'

In a moment, He was there, standing beside her. 'Shepherd,' she said despairingly. 'I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way. Make a way for us, Shepherd, as you promised.'

He looked at her and answered very gently, 'That is the path, Netherfieldmom, and you are to go down there.'

'Oh, no,' she cried. 'You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised.'

'No,' said the Shepherd. 'it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible.'

Netherfieldmom/Much-Afraid felt as though he had stabbed her to the heart. 'You mean,' she said incredulously, 'you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert away from the mountains indefinitely/ Why?(and there was a sob of anguish in her voice) It may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?'

He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid/NM sand on her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when He would bring her back....

(and later in the chapter) 'Much-Afraid/NM,' He said, 'all of my servants on their way to the High Places have had to make this detour through the desert. It is called The Furnace of Egypt, and an horror of great darkness. Here they have learned many things which otherwise they would have known nothing about.' (like maybe humility and weakness)

(and later...)She said to herself, 'He has brought me here when I did not want to come for His own purpose. I, too, will look up into His face and say, "Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy."

Yesterday, I was dragging enough emotionally to really hate the idea of going through this 2 more times. That seemed monumental even though my struggles have been very minimal. I can see over the edge of the hole today, I guess. I should feel pretty good by Christmas and New Year's and have cute hair too. Then back to the mines for this canary--ha!